I awaken and realize I'm sitting on my ass in the middle of the road. I look to my left and see a tire. I try to look up and see what it's connected to....I see a old maroon coloured minivan. I try to see the driver but can't. The door closest to me is the drivers side door but it doesn't open. Why the hell isn't he getting out? I finally realize I must get off the road. I try to get up on my own and can't. I feel out of touch with my body. It all hurts. I sit and try to think of a way to get up. My brain doesn't work and I can't problem solve. I reach for the tire and get up to kneeling stance. The pain is immeasurable and my brain can't register where it's coming from. I fall back down again.

Finally the drivers door opens. A man emerges "oh my god I didn't see you!" Fuck you. I look around and see a group of Asian women staring. I beg in my head for them to come help me instead of this monster. They don't; eventually they start to walk.

The monster helps me up. I'm shaking but I don't think I'm crying. All I want to do is get to my car like I intended. I tell the monster "take me to my car...right there".

He's concerned about the broken bottle of wine I just bought "I will buy you new wine, what kind was it" he asks. Shut the fuck up; stop talking, stop talking, stop talking, I scream in my head. I think he can hear me, but he can't. I suddenly realize I'm limping. Pain isn't registering yet. I get to my car and sit in the front seat. The monster is still concerned about the wine so I tell him to just go buy whatever. I don't know what to do.

I find my phone and call my dad. I tell him I've been hit by a car and don't know what to do. He says to stay put he is coming. The firefighters show up, my dad is there. My dad is a source of comfort, I know he'll make sure what needs to be done is done. They say I need to go to the hospital especially for my knee. I look at my knee and its swollen and blue. I've never hurt my knee in my life but the pain still doesn't hurt like I expect it to.

 .... One month later...

I am afraid of driving, I have almost daily nightmares, I am constantly crying. The doctor has said I have a concussion...I have no idea what that is. Many years later I find out I have a mild traumatic brain injury. I'm irritable, say things without thinking them through, and can't remember things. I am in a fog.

I try to go back to work at the end of the month on modified duties. It was a disaster; thank god I knew enough not to have client contact. I'm in physiotherapy for my knee but do not understand the long term potential of harm for my knee. I feel useless especially after not being at work. I feel horrible for leaving my clients hanging without a social worker. Especially one youth who I swore I wouldn't leave without letting him know. I know that will always be on my soul - we had made quite a connection and I know he won't make a connection with a social worker after I left abruptly.

 .... 1 year later ....

I am now a mother to a 8 month old baby. She is my light; she is what keeps me going. I am still very depressed and isolated. My nightmares have stopped, I can drive again, I am anxious but not nearly as irritable. I focus all my attention on my daughter. I am a very caring attentive mother. It helps keep me busy. 

My knee hurts but I've done physio and can manage most times with day to day life activities.

 .... 5 years later ...

I am now a mother to two daughters, 3 & 4 years old. I am still on long term disability. I am depressed, but not as bad as I once was. I have services in place, homemakers to help clean and do laundry. I now have severe osteoarthritis in my knee and know I will have to have a total knee replacement in about 10 years.

I have a good lawyer who is handling my icbc case after my first lawyer fired me because he thought I tried to get hit by the car. However he keeps sending me for exams and tests with specialist - most of them in Vancouver. Thank god I have a supportive family who can watch the girls when I go to all those appointments. I have found out I have PTSD, anxiety, depression, mild traumatic brain injury, severe osteoarthritis, and a bunch of other stuff. Those are the ones that affect my lift the most. I've tried every treatment, had occupational therapy, had psychological therapy, done lots of spiritual work and done everything I know to do to conquer my barriers. Still I am a good mother and that makes me proud.

 ... 6 years later ...

 It's today, approaching 2013. Still off work but beginning to see hope. I've taken a certificate in family therapy despite being really scared to do so. I was afraid my memory would fail me or that I didn't have my basic skill set from my previous social work experience. But I do and it's increased my confidence and given me a ton of hope. I have been doing a bit of my own volunteer work, helping families involved with child protection. Helping them understand the system and their rights. I love this work and will continue doing it for free as long as I am able. I have some other plans for volunteer work so I can give back to the community in a really useful way. My icbc has settled and I feel free. I can move on from this trauma although I know it will always be there in some form.

I realize the gifts the accident has given me - my daughters, the ability to move closer to my family, spirituality I didn't have before, gratitude, and the chance to focus on what is really important to me. December 31 is beginning to turn into a day of thanksgiving for me instead a day of bad memories.

Totem animals

I thought I would write this post to explain my understanding or belief about totem animals.  The belief that all animals have wisdom or lessons to teach us, is very prominent in Aboriginal cultures. There is also the belief that we are inter-connected with the animal world and animals can communicate with us symbolically or even by their behaviors sometimes. Animals can help guide us in our most confusing times in this life.

To believe in totem animals, you need to have a belief that our world is one; meaning we are all energetically and spiritually connected. Plants, insects, fish, water, fire, animals, birds, air, soil - everything is one. We cannot live in this world without understanding we are all connected. 

That being said, you also must have the understanding that you are energetically tied to everything you interact with, be it a person, plant, body of water, or the spider in your house. Sounds flaky, I know. You need to understand that you have the ability to possess certain qualities these totems are showing you in order to better your life or your self.  That is the key.

I find that when I am struggling with an issue in life, animals or birds will appear that I suddenly start to notice more.  At the time of this writing, the peacock has fascinated me for the past month or so.  I have always thought the bird was pretty, but never really paid much attention to it.  However, at the beginning of the month, I went shopping in Pier 1 imports and saw an absolutely beautiful peacock statue. Since then I have been obsessed.  I have a peacock theme Christmas tree, complete with real peacock feathers.  I have been wearing a peacock necklace, I have been reading about the peacock. It suddenly resonated with me this must be a new totem for me.

When you realize your totem, and you can have several over your lifetime, you need to realize the qualities of the bird/animal in general.  Is it a timid animal or strong and brave?  Do they have any physical features that help them in their day to day lives? What is the general nature or personality of this animal?

Ok peacock.  All I know is that the male gets all arrogant and shows his feathers to the girls.  Maybe this means I need to be less arrogant, or does that mean I need to be more 'out there'?  In my current situation, being more out there is probably more appropriate.  I also thought about the feathers; how they look like they have eyes.  I thought this was telling me to be very aware, to use my eyes, both physically and intuitively.  Not necessarily looking for danger, but I am at a crossroads and I have the sense that there is a major opportunity coming for me soon that I need to be aware of.

I then read a little about the peacock. I had no clue peacocks ate snakes, including giant cobras! Also, in nature, they have a loud (rather annoying) call to alert the others of Tigers being in the area (remember peacocks are from India). So peacocks can be viewed of as protectors, in terms of eating those snakes and alerting everyone when a Tiger is around.  Strong, caring, and protecting qualities. I can see how I could use those qualities in my life at the moment.

So now that I have the knowledge that the peacock is my current totem, and what message I need to understand from it I need to honor the animal.  You do this by saying a short prayer each time you see one, going to feed the ones you see in captivity, or adorning your home with statues or pictures of them. Some people do this unintentionally- you look around their home and can tell the duck is a totem for them because the entire house has ducks everywhere!

Totems come and go, and some stay for life.  You will know when your totem is no longer effective to you, and that's ok.  Totems also sometimes come in ways you would never really think of.  I've had totems appear very often in dreams, where I often have amazing physical encounters with them, and then I wake up and very vividly remember the dream.  They can also appear in meditation, or just in your thoughts.  The point is that if an animal/bird/insect is making you think about them a lot, then likely you can learn something from how they interact in the world and  they wish to make this to connection with you.

What a wonderful gift!