My baby bear is growing up

My first baby was not born from my womb and I really only had two weeks to prepare for her.  I had no idea she was going to be a girl, so the rush was on to find neutral clothing for a newborn, which was harder than you might imagine.  I was a train wreck, moving from intense fear of the decision I had made to raise the unborn baby, and excitement, and then back to fear.  Fear of the unknown, fear of responsibility, fear of doing some unknown harm to the baby, fear of how my life would change. Fear of being a bad mother.

I received the call at about 3:30 pm that birthmom had gone into labour. My mom and I went to the hospital almost immediately.  As we were walking to the delivery area, a little baby wrapped snugly in a mint green blanket was being rolled out to the nursery by a nurse.   We asked if this was 'our' baby, and sure enough it was. She had a big chubby red face, and a grumpy expression to top it off.

My mom was the first to hold her, as I was too nervous. I remember the first time holding her, wondering if I was going to hurt her, and being terrified that she would cry. She had tight little black curls all over the top of her head and I remember my mom saying to me "pat her bum, all babies like their bums patted when you hold them".  It turns out mom's advice was right.  

I was there to give her the first feed, her first bath, change her into her first outfit. The first outfit I changed her into was a sleeper with ducks all over it.  It has now become part of her story - that I changed her into her little ducky sleeper after birthmom 'gave' her to me.

I brought her home when she was two days old. Again, I was completely terrified. 

Eventually I got used to being her mom.  She was the light of my life and is what got me through some rough times.  I did everything for her, often leaving my needs at the door.  I adored this little soul, and still do, and did everything in my power to make her life the best I could.

Now this little baby is turning five years old and will be in kindergarten in September.  I can't believe where the time went.  She is tall for her age, has long curly hair down to her bum, is athletic, artistic, and has a very compassionate, loving side.  As of late, she has taken to drawing amazing pictures of fish, which I find cute because I think she is part fish. She loves to swim, like her birthmother, and I am thinking of putting her in swim club next year. I have started to buy clothes for kindergarten.......

Baby bear, we have come a long way.  

Oh right....you fart.

Why do we have to be reminded we are all human?

Lately, all my energy has been spread thin.  I have to balance being a parent to two special needs girls, having my own medical needs, being in a new romantic relationship, and family commitments.  I have been very excited about my new romantic  partner, and especially excited to see what our future holds.  Who wouldn’t be after being classified ‘single’ for the past 5 years? 

Although I did not really ‘date’ long before I met my current partner, I had my share of bad dates.  I had previously considered writing a blog on the dating scene for awhile, but I thought people would think I was exaggerating.   No one would believe I dated a foreign trained doctor who was about 5’4 (I’m 5’7) and laughed like Woody Woodpecker.  Or that the majority of the conversations on the dates I went on, included some talk about the size of the man’s penis (how stimulating! No pun intended). How about the one guy who asked immediately all sorts of questions about my daughters (pervert)?  Did I mention the rapid speech guy yet?

So when I met the man I am with currently, I was very jaded. I was ready to quit dating altogether and attend as many ‘passion parties’ as I could.  Quite possibly, I could have the largest collection of vibrators known to woman!  I really had this idea there was little need for a man in my life. 

Regardless, I kept searching and, I admit, I found him online.  It was not on the well known “POF”, but another site I had just heard about.  He had written a very nice profile, which seemed intelligent, he had a degree, and worked in media.  I was intrigued.  He did not have the best picture (I think he knows that, so I am allowed to say it), but I was trying to see beyond physical appearances.

We chatted online for a few days, and it seemed to be going ok, so we met for coffee later in the week. I didn’t even tell anyone that I was going to meet someone new, as I had very low expectations. Our little mini date went well, we seemed to be able to hold a conversation and he was actually intelligent.  He didn’t even tell me the size of his penis!!!  There were no apparent mental health concerns either – no rapid speech, paranoia, unusual obsessions, etc.  Another bonus!

Needless to say, despite me trying to self sabotage myself in the beginning, it has blossomed into a wonderful little romance.  We are both ready for a serious relationship, and are very much aware of each other’s needs.  We are both respectful of each other and try to make the relationship fair and equal as much as possible. It has been an amazing experience, to be treated like how I should be treated by a man, something that has never happened before.  I am a very lucky woman.  

Today though, we reached a new level.  The passion has died down.  We are starting to realize we are both human, and it is going to take a lot of work to be in a relationship despite both of us being very committed to it.  No matter what, there will be problems.  It is kinda sad to me.  I said to him “I think we are over the honeymoon stage”, and he replied “yes I think so”.  Now the work begins.  We are on the the stage I like to call ‘I know you fart, have stinky feet, snore, and the way you chew your food annoys me’ stage.  In other words, the human stage.... 

Crocodile, Crocodile

I had a very interesting dream last night. I was with a friend, that I couldn't quite see but I knew it was a female friend, and we were walking on a very hot day.  We walked down to the South Kamloops River, which I found interesting because I feel more connected to the North Thompson River as we live about a block away from the North Thompson.  For those of you not familiar with Kamloops, the North & South Thompson rivers meet in Kamloops and both rivers are quite powerful bodies of water. 

It was such a hot, dry day that we both felt we needed to go into the water.  Whenever we tried to dip our feet in the water, crocodiles would appear.  They would never bite, but we were afraid of them.  At one point, we had to swim across the river and I remember the intense feeling of fear, that these crocodiles would bite me, but they never did.  Then, towards the end of the dream, we were standing on the beach and we saw two baby crocodiles. They were the cutest things ever, despite being crocodiles, and I remember saying or hearing that they had just hatched (do crocodiles hatch?).  They were just born regardless, and no mother to be found.  Then I woke up.

I felt such emotion during this dream, mainly fear and apprehension.  It was one of those dreams that you think you are bound to remember forever just because it was so 'real', and immediately, I thought of the crocodiles.  I am a firm believer in animal totems, and I believe these totems can change whenever they need to. Sometimes you may have one totem that is with you for life, but I believe we usually have more than one, and they often change because they are there to teach us something.

Whenever an animal comes into my life, and I become aware that it is there, I often think about what it is trying to tell me.  I think about the animal's characteristics and sometimes that gives me enough to get the message that I feel I need to get, but sometimes I also have to look to other sources of wisdom (books, internet etc). These crocodiles were standing out for me though, and I knew they had to be a totem, just a totem that came to me in a dream.



My thoughts of crocodile - ancient, old, primal, hard exterior for protection, uncaring, wise.   That wasn't doing much for me in terms of what these crocs were trying to tell me.  I then looked it up on the internet (thank goodness for google).  I found a great description that helped me understand what was going on -
http://www.wildspeak.com/totems/crocodile.html Instead of re-iterating what the website says, you can read it yourself if you so choose.

Regardless, I came to realize I am struggling with wanting to shelter and protect my two daughters and my new relationship with a wonderful man.  Struggling because I have always said that I would not be the type to get my daughters involved in my personal dating relationships at all because I worry about their attachment, and if the relationship with the man does not work out, then they will lose whatever attachment they may have to the man too.  Even if it is in a small way, such as the man coming over for dinner or all of us going to do an activity in the community.  I have worked VERY hard to build strong attachments with both girls because they are not my birth children, and I am very protective of them.  I have sheltered them so much that only immediate family or daycare babysits them and I am keeping them in a daycare that I am not satisfied with so as not to break their attachment to the caregivers there. Both girls have been seen by numerous professionals and all have noted their strong bond to me, which I am proud of because I believe having a good attachment to your primary caregiver is what will get you through life easier. 

So this past weekend, my head felt it was alright for my boyfriend & I to take the girls out with us on Saturday evening, but my heart struggled.  We decided to do a family kind of date - we took the girls swimming and then for dinner.  They were exhausted afterwards, went to bed pretty quickly and I decided to let the new boyfriend stay overnight.  This is ALL new territory for me and the girls.  We had a very nice evening, the girls were very happy to be included and I felt good including them instead of pawning them off on a babysitter (even though it's an auntie that babysits them).  The girls were ok having my boyfriend sleep over and in fact did not ask too many questions like I expected, or have any tantrums etc.  I was the one who was stressed, not the girls, and not the boyfriend. Little Dove was a bit clingy the next day, but I felt that was healthy and encouraged it as I understood what was going on for her. 

In the morning, I made breakfast, the boyfriend played in the living room with the kids. It felt really nice to have company in the morning.  Really nice.  It has always been just me and the girls in the mornings and it's really depressing at times.  Its a time when I remember how single I am and how 'dad-less' the girls are.  

All this aside I still am conflicted about how I feel about it all.  I know this man really has potential, possibly marriage material.  He is stable, caring, gentle, and he adores me.  It sounds bad, but I have never been treated with such respect by a man in my whole life, and I am also noticing that we truly have a two way relationship.  So I am thinking he might be a keeper, and I know it's early to think that, but it is a strong feeling I have.  Part of my identity however, is my children.  It is hard to date and make a new relationship when you have children.  The time required for a new relationship means you either have to include the kids, or leave them with babysitters and risk the time you have with your children.  So really, a single parent just does not have much choice, unless the children go to the other parent for visits.  In my case, my girls have no father to visit and are with me 24/7. They are my life right now and I guess any man involved with me needs to realize that and fully accept that.  I am lucky that this new man does, but I sure wish I could accept it.  Maybe then I wouldn't be having scary crocodile dreams.  

 

Anger

Sedona has now been diagnosed with post concussion syndrome as the result of running full force into a pole while at daycare.  This occurred a few weeks before christmas 2011.

Some current symptoms of Sedona's post concussion syndrome:

- Headaches - She gets almost daily headaches

- "Fuzzy eyes" - When Sedona is presented with too much stimulus, whether visual, mental, or auditory, she gets overwhelmed and can't see straight. Sometimes she has to close her eyes for a few moments, but most times she needs a nap.

- Inability to focus - While Miss Sedona didn't have a great attention span in the first place, she was coping pretty well. Now I can't even get her to watch 5 minutes of tv without her getting bored.

- Aggression - Sedona has become increasingly aggressive towards her younger sister especially. Biting, hitting, kicking, yelling at.  In the past, Sedona was her sister's best protector and now I have to protect her sister from her.

- Hyperactivity - Hyper to say the least. I can't explain this one, you have to see her in person.

- Fatigue - Sedona has always had sleep issues, but usually with falling asleep. Now the opposite occurs. She takes an average of two naps per day, more if she has had a busy day.

- Anxiety - Sedona was already on medication for anxiety, however, her anxiety increased after the injury and her medication had to be increased.

Sedona's pediatrician, who is amazing, said he has only seen one other case in his career because typically children's brains can recover quickly.  And he has never seen a case where there was not a loss of consciousness.

I'm saddened Sedona now has another issue to deal with.  Adopted, anxious, a child of colour, possibly FASD.  I'm grieving for her although she has no idea what is going on.  I am scared that due to her birthmom's alcohol/drug use during her pregnancy with Sedona, that Sedona's brain may never heal from this injury.  I'm really angry Sedona was NOT given the best chance at life as the result of an addiction.

Here are some links:
http://waddleeahchaa.com/2012/01/11/post-concussion-syndrome-in-children/

And the chief says......

My little Dove is a strange kid.  She says some of the oddest things at the most inappropriate times, and all you can do is either shake your head in absurdity or burst into laughter. We have begun calling her "Chief" because she has the mannerisms of a chief - in control, a bit egotistical, a leader, direct and sometimes a deep old voice.

I thought I would share some of her recent "chiefisms":

- Chief substitutes the word "breasts" for "marmots". No one knows why, it's just something she came up with.      So now there's a whole lot of marmot talk going on.  "grandma you have MARMOTS"  "mom look at that man - HE HAS MARMOTS", "auntie, you have marmots" (that one always pleases her modest teenage aunties).

- After meeting my new boyfriend:  "Mom, where is your other boyfriend?  Your boyfriend is allowed to stay the night. He can sleep on the couch". Thanks Chief for saying that in FRONT of new boyfriend. Keep in mind I have never let anyone sleep over and she had only met one previous boyfriend ONE TIME.

-  Shuck-a-la  - no explanation needed here.

SHUCK-A-LA!!!!!!!

SHUCK-A-LA, SHUCK-A-LA, SHUCK-A-LA-LA-LA


Say it out loud.  Say it loudly.  In fact SCREAM it.  Then repeat 10x, or maybe 30x.  Maybe throw in a few other random non english words. Then run, jump, spin, jump on other people, shake your booty in people's faces, anything else you can possibly think of to annoy others.

That's my dear 3 yr old, whom I'll call Dove.  This is her when she first wakes up at about 7:30 until about 9 am when her medication kicks in.  Then it starts again at about 3 pm until she passes out from pure exhaustion at MAYBE 10 pm, but mostly later.

Dear Dove is 3.5 yrs old.  She was born prenatally exposed to alcohol, marijuana, cigarettes, and quite possibly a number of other toxins. She did not have good prenatal care.  She had major stressors in utero, which I cannot imagine, when her birthmother frequented the downtown eastside of Vancouver, notably the worst neighborhood in Canada.

Dove was a happy baby and has been with me since she was 6 weeks old.  Always smiling and laughing. Now I understand why - she's hyperactive. A  happy baby is good, but now i understand it can be an omen of things to come.

Dove has an very protective guardian angel. Dove has risked her life several times simply because she does not have the ability to control the impulses she gets.  She has ripped herself away from my hand and run into traffic. She has jumped into my parents in ground pool on 3 separate occasions, all when it was NOT swimming time and all when not wearing a life jacket. Luckily I have known for awhile Dove is not able to play without direct 1:1 supervision and has been saved without long term effects.  But, if Dove wants to go for a swim, in that millisecond, she will.  No time to think maybe it's not safe, no time to consider it might even be too cold.  She has ran away from me in the stores. She still sleeps in a crib because she requires the physcial reminder of the bars of the crib to remind her to stay IN bed at night and not wander the house.

My motivation for writing this post is the result of last nights happenings. Our entire family went out to Mcdonalds. Yes it's crap food, but at least the kids can play there and the adults can talk without kids being 'bored'. After dinner, and doing fairly well, dear Dove LOUDLY announces "MOMMY I'VE POOPED MY PANTS!!!".  As though it was an accomplishment.  "Lovely," I think.  "Dove, let's go to the bathroom," I whisper.  "BUT MOMMY I POOPED", she responds as she so smartly puts her finger down the back of her pants.  And repeats her accomplishment about 3 more times.

Time to go. I've been through this before. It's late, her medication had worn off, I probably should have expected disaster. She has been completely potty trained since July 2011. Now it's time for her to get her boots on. I gently ask my other daughter, Sedona, to quickly get ready so we can get out of there without being completely embarrassed. Dove takes off running, poopy pants and all. Not to mention they were brand new pants.

Now comes time for "Army Sargent" mom mode to kick in.  This is one of my alter egos, created as the result of parenting dear Dove and her sister Sedona. As many of you know, I am a very calm, quiet and gentle person.  Yet, that style does not always work for my dear girls.  I have to be what I call 'mean' sometimes.  Especially in times when their brains are just not working, such as when at McDonalds running around in poopy pants.  "DOVE, BOOTS, NOW!".  Firmly, gently, and only significant words (as per the guidelines for parenting kids with FASD/ADHD).

Dove can't even hear me. She's on another planet. I shorten the sentence to "DOVE, BOOTS". Nothing.  "BOOTS" gets me a glance from Dove.  I physically direct her to the boot area to find that her boots are not there. I have to physically take her around the play area to look for the boots.  Meanwhile, she is dropping to the ground at every possible moment. Sedona, I am lucky, got dressed quickly and is waiting playing a game.  I have limited time to not only get Dove ready, but before Sedona goes into one her rages from being tired herself.

After at least 10 minutes of the boot stuff, I get Dove to the car. I buckle her in her booster seat, which is something she can do while her medication is working, and close the door. She opens it. She closes it. She opens it again. Closes it.  My sister and her baby are coming with us, so we are waiting for the baby to be buckled into her carseat. My sister says to Dove "Close the door sweetie, the car is going to be moving soon".

"Yeah right, that's going to work," I think to myself.  My sister is learning that sometimes when another adult tells your kid something, they sometimes listen to the other adult better.  "Good luck with that darling, it's just going to keep annoying the hell out of  the both of us for awhile".  Thank you for trying though.

Dove continues the door stuff until the car starts moving. Luckily she didn't touch the door while moving, I think because I have DRILLED that into her head since she was a toddler. Don't even TOUCH the door OR window while the car is moving.

It takes us about 15 minutes to get home.  Army sargent mom gets everyone into bed within 10 minutes. No reading stories or long goodnight routines in this house. A kiss, hug, a tuck in, a reminder to close your eyes.   By the end of the day I'm exhausted from parenting a child where you have to be the external brain.  I NEED them to just go to bed.

Yet, there are times when Dove is an amazing child.  Mainly during "medication" times sadly.  When medicated, her real self can come out, one that is able to be a normal child.  She loves books, especially National Geographic magazines.  She can build things, and be a very compassionate, loving mom to her dolls.  She loves helping her grandparents with their fish aquarium. Her faveourite food is green salad.

As a parent to such a highly hyperactive/impulse impaired child I find myself struggling between modes of empathy for her and pity for myself.  It's hard and she annoys the hell out of me when she's un-medicated. It has, in fact, affected our attachment because pre medication, I could not stand her.  I became burnt out because I had to supervise her 150% more than a typical child just to keep her SAFE.

Our amazing pediatrician made the risky decision to medicate her at such a young age just because there were safety issues.  I cannot express my gratefulness to him for doing this.  I can bond with my daughter, where before I could not even hold her because she was always on the go.  And yes, there are times when I still cannot stand her, but I have the ability to know understand that she has a serious disability, that is very treatable, and that there are times when she's a 'nice' little girl.  I might be shocking some people when I say this, but, "THANK GOODNESS FOR RITALIN!!!"

Facebook or Mombook?

Yes, my first posting is going to be about facebook. A nice easy introduction to the world inside my head. My friends and family know I post to facebook regularly, maybe a little too often.  I admit that probably I bombard my poor facebook friends with a little too many postings.  I post photos of my family, usually daily (or sometimes a few times a day) updates about my life.  Or I post about things that either make me happy, or frustrate me, or if there's some sort of social injustice I want to bring to my circle of friends and family.  Sometimes I will just post a quote that I identify with, or something that I hope will bring a bit of happiness into another person's life.  Sounds like what facebook is about right?


So, as I have been thinking about blogging for a little while now, I decided to post the question to facebook:  'should i blog & would anyone read it?'. Several people were excited to be able to read into more of my life than facebook status allow. Great, I think,  my energies may not be wasted.  A couple agreed that they thought they were already reading my blog, basically indicating they felt I posted too much on facebook about my life already.  Also making me assume they can't stand my constant updates and also makes me wonder why they continue to.  Anyways, my view is, if you don't like it, then don't read it.  A very simple view on the matter.

Now, you must understand my history on facebook. I remember the person who told me about facebook.  It was a co-worker, Desiree, who said to me via good old msn messenger one day, 'haven't you heard about facebook?".  I think it was in 2006, and the majority of my online social time was done via email or msn messenger. Thinking about having photos online or being in contact with people I hadn't seen since I was 10 years old, was not something I would have thought of.  Desiree sent me an invite, and it interested me, but it wasn't a huge thing for me at first.
Then I had to take time off work due to a motor vehicle accident in early 2007.  I also adopted my first daughter in April 2007.  The nature of my injuries resulted in my not going back to work as of even today.  I became isolated. All my friends were working and you have to understand that I had been either going to university or working since I was 18 years old.  I always had an outlet to 'talk' or express my views on issues whether it be in school or with co workers or friends. But, when you don't work, you not only lose that connection but you lose your friends.  Working people and staying at home people are two different types of people that don't usually connect very well unless they have already had that relationship for a long time.

My parents and siblings then moved to Kamloops from Richmond.  I decided to remain living in New Westminster to raise my daughter. I really hated Kamloops anyways, and there was no where to shop :) so there was no way Kamloops would do it for me.  Facebook became a way of me connecting with my family, and showing them the progress of my daughter via pictures and status updates.  It was very handy and very cheap.

As the years went on and I did not work, the isolation became more severe.  I eventually moved to Kamloops to have the support of my family, especially after adopting my second daughter. I found it difficult to connect with people in Kamloops, as it's a small city where everyone knows everyone else and are quite comfortable in their social circles.  Ask anyone who has not lived here for more than 10 years and they will tell you the same.
So facebook became a way of connecting with old friends, old schoolmates, old coworkers and finding new friends with similar interests. I have found a lot of support on various issues in several different facebook groups.  For example, I am a member of an adoption support group for adoptive parents of FASD children in BC.  It has provided me with unlimited support in raising my girls and I have actually made some very close friends as a result. The 'adoptive mom's', as I so lovingly call them, are like a member of my extended family even though I have not met any of them.  I can always count on them for support and am very grateful for them all.

Over the past five years or so of being a facebooker, I have noticed there are three types of people on facebook.  There are:


1: Stalkbookers:  They friend you but don't have anything on their account. Sometimes they have no profile pic, some have a picture of a cat or other cute animal, and they never post a status. Yet sometimes, they will bring up something you said on facebook in normal conversation.  You end up feeling violated.


2. 'FACEbookers:  These people will have a profile pic.  They will also have a few extra albums now and again.  Once in awhile they will post a status update.  They pretend they are not on facebook everyday like the rest of us, but eventually it comes out that they know too much about what's going on in everyone else's life just like the rest of us. It's like they are two faced.

3. Mombookers: (this is me) Mombookers are very identifiable.  They are always online, until about dinner time. They post status updates about their kids or partners, and have tons of pictures of their kids but few of themselves (cause they are always taking the picture). You always know when someone goes on maternity leave because they suddenly start appearing on facebook a lot more. Not only that, is that you are subject to viewing birth pictures, usually including the first breastfeed and the first picture holding the baby when the poor mom looks like hell.  


4. Proudbookers:  Finally, these are those that do not fit the other categories and are regulars on facebook. They post very often, whether it be a funny picture, a status update, a link.  Just think of the teenage friend you have on your friend list.

So now, I ask YOU to be honest about yourself. Which one are you?  Stop trying to be aloof and pretend facebook is not that important to you because we all know that facebook is becoming the next form of communication for people. I am certain 'facebook 101' will eventually become a human service course within the next ten years. It is not necessarily a time waster, it serves a much needed purpose for stay at home moms/dads, people on disability, retirees, socially awkward people, socially anxious people etc.  It can be a positive experience.....