I was married for 5 years and never met my in laws. They sent a few gifts from Pakistan, and I once talked to my father in law on the phone, but that was it.
Then, after the divorce I managed to date more immigrants who also did not have family in Canada and never had to meet any parents.
I didn't miss it.
Now after five months with Steve I had to meet his mother and her boyfriend. Wow, what an undue stress that is! It's like applying for a job - put your best foot forward so the mother likes you!
Really, all the parents should do is make sure their son/daughter is happy and are being treated well. Maybe not even that much - we are supposed to be adults and make our own choices. I don't know if i will ever like anyone my daughters bring home, I can openly admit that.
Lucky for me, I seem to have a niche for talking to seniors. Steve's mom was quite shy but her partner was not, so he and I did quite a lot of chatting about old people stuff. I definitely won him over, I knew that in minutes.
And so the verdict came in tonight from Steve's mom. She likes me, and thinks I will be good to him and treat him well. That's all a mother ever wants I guess. Someone to be good to her boy. I knew, as a mother myself, she was very observant of how I treated him and I wondered if that would be me in 30 years evaluating the partners my daughters have chosen. It seems almost primal to me, almost instinctual. It was a mini awakening for me, and I am grateful for the experience.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
hear me roar.
I want my child to be offered the service and help that she desperately needs. She is not coping at an age appropriate level, she is not emotionally 'well'. I have been with her since she was 2 hours old, and she has never experienced trauma (minus the prenatal stuff) or abuse.
I finally got her in to see a child psychiatrist for her moods, and impulsiveness. I KNOW there's more to her than just prenatal exposure, and perhaps ADHD. It was a hard fight, but I advocated and got my young girl in to see a very busy child psychiatrist.
NO I do not want my child to have a psychiatric illness. I'm really hoping she doesn't, but I know how she behaves and how she cries, that there is something else there. If my child can FEEL better, I'm going to try to help her. The way she cries when "low" is so painful to hear. It is as though her parent has died. It breaks my heart everytime she cries like that....not a normal cry.... a painful, deep seeded, empty, desperate cry.
After explaining all Sedona's symptoms to the psychiatrist, he implies all her issues are related to her prenatal exposure. No way; 100% not the case in my opinion. It's not normal, even for prenatally exposed kids, to have this many rages, this many tears, this much aggression. and then to be laughing your head off 30 seconds later. I've parented my kids with the expectation that they are full blown FASD (just found out they are not), but even so, NONE of the fasd literature says anything about mood swings this severe.
I finally got her in to see a child psychiatrist for her moods, and impulsiveness. I KNOW there's more to her than just prenatal exposure, and perhaps ADHD. It was a hard fight, but I advocated and got my young girl in to see a very busy child psychiatrist.
NO I do not want my child to have a psychiatric illness. I'm really hoping she doesn't, but I know how she behaves and how she cries, that there is something else there. If my child can FEEL better, I'm going to try to help her. The way she cries when "low" is so painful to hear. It is as though her parent has died. It breaks my heart everytime she cries like that....not a normal cry.... a painful, deep seeded, empty, desperate cry.
After explaining all Sedona's symptoms to the psychiatrist, he implies all her issues are related to her prenatal exposure. No way; 100% not the case in my opinion. It's not normal, even for prenatally exposed kids, to have this many rages, this many tears, this much aggression. and then to be laughing your head off 30 seconds later. I've parented my kids with the expectation that they are full blown FASD (just found out they are not), but even so, NONE of the fasd literature says anything about mood swings this severe.
So then the psychiatrist starts to tell me about how I just wasn't parenting her right. I needed to provide more structure, more activities for her to do, keep her busy. What....the.....heck?????????????????
Activities? Seriously, lets think about this. My girls have every toy known to man and they have good toys because their grandmother is a play therapist and knows what to buy. They have bikes, scooters, a sandbox, a pool, a mini tramp, a wagon, TWO playgrounds (one in front and one in back), access to a trampoline/outdoor pool at grandparents, are in gymnastics, daycare, YOGA, will be taking dancing soon. This is just the stuff from home, and doesn't include the playground trips, trips to wildlife parks, trips to vancouver, camping etc.
Getting my child a label only has ONE benefit. She MIGHT be able to get some help to control her emotions a bit better which will in turn help her development expand. It will help me understand her better, and it will help her have a better quality of life.
Don't dare come after this very protective mama bear and tell her she just needs to parent better. No flipping way. I'm dedicated, intelligent, strong and know how to advocate. I'm a great parent and I have great girls.
Getting my child a label only has ONE benefit. She MIGHT be able to get some help to control her emotions a bit better which will in turn help her development expand. It will help me understand her better, and it will help her have a better quality of life.
Don't dare come after this very protective mama bear and tell her she just needs to parent better. No flipping way. I'm dedicated, intelligent, strong and know how to advocate. I'm a great parent and I have great girls.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
an ugly skeleton....
I haven't written much about my own issues, partly because it's easier to write about other's issues :). I am also in a bit of denial about things, which has allowed me to live a fairly stable life these past few years, although I am certainly aware that I do have issues.
These issues I am referring to are in relation to being hit by a car when crossing the road in 2006. I've talked about it briefly before. I don't like to focus too much on the accident, and my troubles because I believe in some ways that gives it more power, and at this point in my life, that accident has a lot of power over me. Unsettled lawsuits, mediation, court dates, 'independent medical exams' - there is a wealth of professionals out there who know more about me than I know about me. I'm really pissed off about that to be honest. The guy who hit me doesn't have to go through this, but I do, despite clear evidence I have problems as a result of the accident.
Anyways, as of late, I'm beginning to realize how my PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) from the accident is affecting me. For years, I walked around in a constant state of adrenaline because I was unaware I even had the condition, and even after diagnosis, no one treated me. I had no idea how important it was to get treatment or really even understood the condition. Even being a social worker, and having thought I knew what PTSD was, I still had the assumption it was only about having 'flashbacks' or 'disassociating'. Nope, not the case I've come to find out.
About a year ago I began to realize the impact PTSD was having on my daily life. I was irritable, snapping at people (VERY unlike me), constantly anxious, jumpy, depressed, unable to sleep, kept people at a distance. I got treatment from both the doctor (yes there is medication for PTSD) and therapy from a good psychologist. I made a ton of progress and how it affected my daily life was lessened.
But as with all skeletons in your closet, they come out to haunt you when you least expect it. I've been too naive. I never thought it would affect my relationship with my new partner, but it is. Since the accident I've not been in a serious relationship with a man - I've dated a lot, but focused my energy on raising my daughters. I've never had to juggle raising my daughters, dealing with my own issues, having a romantic relationship, and having PTSD.
I find how the PTSD rears its ugly head is not in terms of me distancing myself from him or anything like you would expect from someone with the disorder. It comes out in a way that I feel really insecure about the relationship, and get almost needy. That's really hard for me to admit because I like to consider myself independent and not in need of a man. I've been through a lot (even prior to the accident) and have made a life for myself without the help of any man. I've adopted and raised two little girls all by myself. Those are pretty big things, that require a confident person. So why, when I am stressed or worried about something completely different, do I think that Steve is about to jump ship on me?
It is a completely irrational fear and I know it, but at those times I don't FEEL it. Steve is very compassionate, understanding, intelligent and patient. He absolutely adores me, and has said I am the person he has been waiting for his entire life. When he says that, I believe him and I believe he says it with all his being.
So yesterday, when feeling highly stressed and anxious about a completely different issue, I started to get all needy on him. I didn't even realize I was being needy, or able to say "i need extra attention from you right now". I was just kinda being a bitch in a way. Then some unknown force made me say "this feels unsafe for me". This, being the relationship, was feeling unsafe. Steve didn't do anything to make it that way, and we have been having a wonderful time lately. Then with more talking, the unknown force, made me realize what was really going on. All this insecurity was coming from the PTSD and the fact I had not dealt with the stress/anxiety of the day in an appropriate manner.
I believe the 'unknown force' was my spirit guide Catherine. If you believe at all in spirit guides, I can tell you she is an elderly woman, with long grey hair who has a very gentle but persistent personality. She's kind of like a grandmother who nags me in a nice way. I've been meditating a lot lately and communicating with her and when I have these realizations where I don't even know where they come from, they are usually from her. So thank you Catherine. And, the reason I write this is because I think the more open you can be about things that bother you, and put it out into the universe, the easier it is to deal with our human reality. Namaste.
These issues I am referring to are in relation to being hit by a car when crossing the road in 2006. I've talked about it briefly before. I don't like to focus too much on the accident, and my troubles because I believe in some ways that gives it more power, and at this point in my life, that accident has a lot of power over me. Unsettled lawsuits, mediation, court dates, 'independent medical exams' - there is a wealth of professionals out there who know more about me than I know about me. I'm really pissed off about that to be honest. The guy who hit me doesn't have to go through this, but I do, despite clear evidence I have problems as a result of the accident.
Anyways, as of late, I'm beginning to realize how my PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) from the accident is affecting me. For years, I walked around in a constant state of adrenaline because I was unaware I even had the condition, and even after diagnosis, no one treated me. I had no idea how important it was to get treatment or really even understood the condition. Even being a social worker, and having thought I knew what PTSD was, I still had the assumption it was only about having 'flashbacks' or 'disassociating'. Nope, not the case I've come to find out.
About a year ago I began to realize the impact PTSD was having on my daily life. I was irritable, snapping at people (VERY unlike me), constantly anxious, jumpy, depressed, unable to sleep, kept people at a distance. I got treatment from both the doctor (yes there is medication for PTSD) and therapy from a good psychologist. I made a ton of progress and how it affected my daily life was lessened.
But as with all skeletons in your closet, they come out to haunt you when you least expect it. I've been too naive. I never thought it would affect my relationship with my new partner, but it is. Since the accident I've not been in a serious relationship with a man - I've dated a lot, but focused my energy on raising my daughters. I've never had to juggle raising my daughters, dealing with my own issues, having a romantic relationship, and having PTSD.
I find how the PTSD rears its ugly head is not in terms of me distancing myself from him or anything like you would expect from someone with the disorder. It comes out in a way that I feel really insecure about the relationship, and get almost needy. That's really hard for me to admit because I like to consider myself independent and not in need of a man. I've been through a lot (even prior to the accident) and have made a life for myself without the help of any man. I've adopted and raised two little girls all by myself. Those are pretty big things, that require a confident person. So why, when I am stressed or worried about something completely different, do I think that Steve is about to jump ship on me?
It is a completely irrational fear and I know it, but at those times I don't FEEL it. Steve is very compassionate, understanding, intelligent and patient. He absolutely adores me, and has said I am the person he has been waiting for his entire life. When he says that, I believe him and I believe he says it with all his being.
So yesterday, when feeling highly stressed and anxious about a completely different issue, I started to get all needy on him. I didn't even realize I was being needy, or able to say "i need extra attention from you right now". I was just kinda being a bitch in a way. Then some unknown force made me say "this feels unsafe for me". This, being the relationship, was feeling unsafe. Steve didn't do anything to make it that way, and we have been having a wonderful time lately. Then with more talking, the unknown force, made me realize what was really going on. All this insecurity was coming from the PTSD and the fact I had not dealt with the stress/anxiety of the day in an appropriate manner.
I believe the 'unknown force' was my spirit guide Catherine. If you believe at all in spirit guides, I can tell you she is an elderly woman, with long grey hair who has a very gentle but persistent personality. She's kind of like a grandmother who nags me in a nice way. I've been meditating a lot lately and communicating with her and when I have these realizations where I don't even know where they come from, they are usually from her. So thank you Catherine. And, the reason I write this is because I think the more open you can be about things that bother you, and put it out into the universe, the easier it is to deal with our human reality. Namaste.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Why can't this lovely, cute, adorable 3.5 yr old HAVE A SHOWER???? Why can't she even come look at the shower while it's running and see that it is not some monster that is going to eat her soul?? Why does everything have to be so dramatic with her?
These are my thoughts about 45 minutes ago. Dove is 'odd'. That's the only way to describe her.
I woke up early to a beautiful blue sky, thinking about how the girls could play outside for a bit this morning while I put together my new bench for the entrance way. Then later on, it is my mom's birthday, so I had plans to get the girls dressed in their new dresses to go for Grandma's birthday dinner. I had lovely visions for the day. Yet, for this day to happen, the girls needed to get clean as they were both dusty and dirty from daycare.
Now, my lovely girls have this irrational fear of the shower. They want baths, and I'm not sure why. I NEED them to learn to be able to take showers for my own sanity. Sometimes you need to just be able to throw them in the shower, wash them down, and that's it. Both girls are special needs, and I've assumed all this time that it's probably a sensory issue; that perhaps the shower hurts their skin too much, or they just don't like the sound. I'm also a firm believer that if something is interfering with your day to day life, you need to face it head on.
So, my mission today was to give a quick shower so we could get on with our day. I brought Sedona in the shower with me and she realized it was not so bad. I then asked Dove to do the same. You would swear I was asking her to jump into a black pit filled with poisonous snakes. She wouldn't even approach the shower to LOOK at it. Screaming, yelling, crying. If I didn't have a decent relationship with my neighbors, I'm sure they would have phoned the police. By the way, I have told the neighbors my girls are adopted and have some special needs, and I believe the neighbors understand that they get crazy sometimes.
I eventually forced Dove to get in the shower. Maybe I'm a mean mom. Or maybe you could view it as a mom trying to help her child overcome barrier in her life. Regardless, she stopped crying once she was in, and saw that she wasn't going to die.
I don't know what exactly is up with Dove but she does strange things. I believe she is on the autism spectrum, however, it is likely she won't get a diagnosis. Girls tend to either NEVER be diagnosed with autism, or don't get diagnosed until much later. My sister wasn't diagnosed autistic until she was 13 despite being taken to almost every professional in BC.
Dove doesn't know how to play with toys unless directed, doesn't understand how to properly interact with peers (mostly Sedona bosses her around), has a few strange obsessions and irrational fears. There's lots of things that are just odd or off with her.
Yes she has LOTS of positive qualities. I'm just struggling to see them this morning. And I vowed to make this blog as real as possible, so there you have it. I DON'T always 'like' my kids. And that's is OK, as I still have unconditional love for them.
These are my thoughts about 45 minutes ago. Dove is 'odd'. That's the only way to describe her.
I woke up early to a beautiful blue sky, thinking about how the girls could play outside for a bit this morning while I put together my new bench for the entrance way. Then later on, it is my mom's birthday, so I had plans to get the girls dressed in their new dresses to go for Grandma's birthday dinner. I had lovely visions for the day. Yet, for this day to happen, the girls needed to get clean as they were both dusty and dirty from daycare.
Now, my lovely girls have this irrational fear of the shower. They want baths, and I'm not sure why. I NEED them to learn to be able to take showers for my own sanity. Sometimes you need to just be able to throw them in the shower, wash them down, and that's it. Both girls are special needs, and I've assumed all this time that it's probably a sensory issue; that perhaps the shower hurts their skin too much, or they just don't like the sound. I'm also a firm believer that if something is interfering with your day to day life, you need to face it head on.
So, my mission today was to give a quick shower so we could get on with our day. I brought Sedona in the shower with me and she realized it was not so bad. I then asked Dove to do the same. You would swear I was asking her to jump into a black pit filled with poisonous snakes. She wouldn't even approach the shower to LOOK at it. Screaming, yelling, crying. If I didn't have a decent relationship with my neighbors, I'm sure they would have phoned the police. By the way, I have told the neighbors my girls are adopted and have some special needs, and I believe the neighbors understand that they get crazy sometimes.
I eventually forced Dove to get in the shower. Maybe I'm a mean mom. Or maybe you could view it as a mom trying to help her child overcome barrier in her life. Regardless, she stopped crying once she was in, and saw that she wasn't going to die.
I don't know what exactly is up with Dove but she does strange things. I believe she is on the autism spectrum, however, it is likely she won't get a diagnosis. Girls tend to either NEVER be diagnosed with autism, or don't get diagnosed until much later. My sister wasn't diagnosed autistic until she was 13 despite being taken to almost every professional in BC.
Dove doesn't know how to play with toys unless directed, doesn't understand how to properly interact with peers (mostly Sedona bosses her around), has a few strange obsessions and irrational fears. There's lots of things that are just odd or off with her.
Yes she has LOTS of positive qualities. I'm just struggling to see them this morning. And I vowed to make this blog as real as possible, so there you have it. I DON'T always 'like' my kids. And that's is OK, as I still have unconditional love for them.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
thank you universe.
I woke up in a foul mood this morning. I'm not sure why. I felt I had enough rest, I was looking forward to the day and we had a fairly good weekend. Yet, I struggled all day with irritability and a mundane look on life.
My boyfriend and I took the girls to the park to ride bikes. The girls wanted to go and see the little hobby farm that is nearby, and I just couldn't fathom going to see the goats with the demonic looking eyes, or the miniature horse that looks so desperate to escape from his trapped existence. So, I asked my partner to walk them over while I rested on the grass. I thought that perhaps reconnecting with Mother Earth would help me feel better. It helped a bit, but not as much as I hoped.
So later in the day, I silently connected with my spirit guides. I asked for help grounding me and helping me re connect to my spirituality which has been really lacking lately. As soon as I did this I felt an unexplained warmth. My mood lightened a little and I felt a bit better. I did ask my spirit guides to help me understand what was blocking me in my life, as I felt there was something seriously blocking me. Of course no one is perfect, but I knew there was something I just was not 'grasping' but I needed to work on. Sometimes when I ask my guides something, the answer will either pop right into my head, or I will 'feel' something, like an intuition. At this point nothing happened.
I get through the rest of the evening. I survive and am beginning to look forward to the new week ahead. At 9:45 pm, I get a phone call from someone I didn't expect and whom I had not talked to in over 6 months. This call was from my ex husband, whom I have been divorced from for about 8 years now.
Now, this man is very self centered and usually only calls me when he is in need of my advice on something concerning himself. In some odd way, he trusts my judgement and experiences. However, the last time I spoke to him, I made it very clear I was not putting up with his drama any longer. It seemed things were over.
So when I answered the phone, after getting over my initial shock of who was on the other end, I knew something serious was up with him. His voice was shaking and he was very frightened. He has been having some health issues and feels very scared. Now this is where it gets interesting. This is the man who asked me for a divorce when I was in St. Paul's Hospital having 2 major surgeries. The first surgery failed, I was in and out of ICU, and I was in the hospital waiting for a second attempt at the surgery. THAT'S when he decided he would drop the divorce bomb on me. His reason for wanting a divorce? I was too sick and he was afraid I was going to die. Gee, thanks.
Funny enough, now he is having the exact same health concerns I was having all those years back. Karma? I feel kinda happy but guilty that I feel happy. All those years after the divorce I internalized that pain, thinking that I would never love someone again, or be truly loved and accepted by a man.
So after a brief chat about the health stuff, and me reminding him it's karma for leaving me in hospital, he brings up his current wife. I bring up my current boyfriend and how wonderful he is, and how no one has ever treated me so well. I also have the guts to say 'you treated me like shit all those years, and I wasted my time on you'. My voice didn't quiver, I didn't cry, and I certainly did not regret it. I feel good saying it. I feel lighter, I feel free and I feel he is now in my past for good.
I do believe things happen for a reason. I have been struggling in my current relationship based on stuff that happened with my ex husband, and although I know it's not fair to my new partner, it comes up. I am lucky to have someone in my life now who is patient, loving, understanding, accepting, gentle, and who adores me. As flaky as this sounds, I believe my guides helped me through the block of my ex husband tonight, and followed through on my request for assistance. Of course it all came from within me, but having the back up of a power such as a guide makes human life so much easier to deal with. The universe is powerful and this is a good reminder to me to make time to reconnect more often.
My boyfriend and I took the girls to the park to ride bikes. The girls wanted to go and see the little hobby farm that is nearby, and I just couldn't fathom going to see the goats with the demonic looking eyes, or the miniature horse that looks so desperate to escape from his trapped existence. So, I asked my partner to walk them over while I rested on the grass. I thought that perhaps reconnecting with Mother Earth would help me feel better. It helped a bit, but not as much as I hoped.
So later in the day, I silently connected with my spirit guides. I asked for help grounding me and helping me re connect to my spirituality which has been really lacking lately. As soon as I did this I felt an unexplained warmth. My mood lightened a little and I felt a bit better. I did ask my spirit guides to help me understand what was blocking me in my life, as I felt there was something seriously blocking me. Of course no one is perfect, but I knew there was something I just was not 'grasping' but I needed to work on. Sometimes when I ask my guides something, the answer will either pop right into my head, or I will 'feel' something, like an intuition. At this point nothing happened.
I get through the rest of the evening. I survive and am beginning to look forward to the new week ahead. At 9:45 pm, I get a phone call from someone I didn't expect and whom I had not talked to in over 6 months. This call was from my ex husband, whom I have been divorced from for about 8 years now.
Now, this man is very self centered and usually only calls me when he is in need of my advice on something concerning himself. In some odd way, he trusts my judgement and experiences. However, the last time I spoke to him, I made it very clear I was not putting up with his drama any longer. It seemed things were over.
So when I answered the phone, after getting over my initial shock of who was on the other end, I knew something serious was up with him. His voice was shaking and he was very frightened. He has been having some health issues and feels very scared. Now this is where it gets interesting. This is the man who asked me for a divorce when I was in St. Paul's Hospital having 2 major surgeries. The first surgery failed, I was in and out of ICU, and I was in the hospital waiting for a second attempt at the surgery. THAT'S when he decided he would drop the divorce bomb on me. His reason for wanting a divorce? I was too sick and he was afraid I was going to die. Gee, thanks.
Funny enough, now he is having the exact same health concerns I was having all those years back. Karma? I feel kinda happy but guilty that I feel happy. All those years after the divorce I internalized that pain, thinking that I would never love someone again, or be truly loved and accepted by a man.
So after a brief chat about the health stuff, and me reminding him it's karma for leaving me in hospital, he brings up his current wife. I bring up my current boyfriend and how wonderful he is, and how no one has ever treated me so well. I also have the guts to say 'you treated me like shit all those years, and I wasted my time on you'. My voice didn't quiver, I didn't cry, and I certainly did not regret it. I feel good saying it. I feel lighter, I feel free and I feel he is now in my past for good.
I do believe things happen for a reason. I have been struggling in my current relationship based on stuff that happened with my ex husband, and although I know it's not fair to my new partner, it comes up. I am lucky to have someone in my life now who is patient, loving, understanding, accepting, gentle, and who adores me. As flaky as this sounds, I believe my guides helped me through the block of my ex husband tonight, and followed through on my request for assistance. Of course it all came from within me, but having the back up of a power such as a guide makes human life so much easier to deal with. The universe is powerful and this is a good reminder to me to make time to reconnect more often.
On your 5th birthday...
Miss Sedona is turning 5 on april 10. In order to honour her birthday on my blog, I've decided to do something a bit different. I'm going to list as many tidbits of info about Ivy. So here goes,
1. Sedona loves to swim. I think she is part fish.
2. Sedona is very compassionate.
3. Sedona is also very loving.
4. Sedona loves gymnastics. She is in gymnstart which will eventually lead her into competitive gymnastics. She trains 2 hours per week.
5. Sedona is a very good big sister to Dove. She is protective and nurturing (with a bit of big sister attitude thrown in for good measure).
6. S ADORES her Auntie Christine who just turned 10 yrs old. She tries to do everything like Christine.
7. S also adores aunties Jasmine, Jolene, Desiree & Trina. She, at times, loves her uncle Bryson as well.
8. S adores her cousin Anthina who is 1 yr old. She has always been very good with Anthina.
9. Grandma & Grandpa are a huge part of her life and she loves being at their house more than our own house.
10. S LOVES to eat pizza. It is not hard for her to eat 5 pieces in a sitting, often outdoing the adults around her.
11. Sedona LOVES CHOCOLATE. ANY KIND. ANY TIME. AS MUCH AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE.
12. S loves to dance. We have just discovered the dancing games for the WII and she is amazing at following the moves.
13. S loves music, singing, and picks up the songs she hears in the car often with only listening to them once or twice. She has two favorites right now: "i love you like a love song' by Selena Gomez & 'Forget You' by Cee-Lo Green.
14. Sedona is a diva in training. enough said.
15. Sedona prefers to wear dresses or skirts. It's very difficult to get her into pants.
16. To wear high heels at all times would be Sedona's preference.
17. Sedona's current favorite tv show is Curious George. She often shows me (so far only me) how Curious George walks like a monkey.
18. The best place in town, in S's opinion, is McDonalds.
19. Sedona loves nature. She is grounded and calmed by nature & does her best when she is able to be outside all day long.
20. Sedona is an amazing artist. She has a talent for drawing and a great imagination.
1. Sedona loves to swim. I think she is part fish.
2. Sedona is very compassionate.
3. Sedona is also very loving.
4. Sedona loves gymnastics. She is in gymnstart which will eventually lead her into competitive gymnastics. She trains 2 hours per week.
5. Sedona is a very good big sister to Dove. She is protective and nurturing (with a bit of big sister attitude thrown in for good measure).
6. S ADORES her Auntie Christine who just turned 10 yrs old. She tries to do everything like Christine.
7. S also adores aunties Jasmine, Jolene, Desiree & Trina. She, at times, loves her uncle Bryson as well.
8. S adores her cousin Anthina who is 1 yr old. She has always been very good with Anthina.
9. Grandma & Grandpa are a huge part of her life and she loves being at their house more than our own house.
10. S LOVES to eat pizza. It is not hard for her to eat 5 pieces in a sitting, often outdoing the adults around her.
11. Sedona LOVES CHOCOLATE. ANY KIND. ANY TIME. AS MUCH AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE.
12. S loves to dance. We have just discovered the dancing games for the WII and she is amazing at following the moves.
13. S loves music, singing, and picks up the songs she hears in the car often with only listening to them once or twice. She has two favorites right now: "i love you like a love song' by Selena Gomez & 'Forget You' by Cee-Lo Green.
14. Sedona is a diva in training. enough said.
15. Sedona prefers to wear dresses or skirts. It's very difficult to get her into pants.
16. To wear high heels at all times would be Sedona's preference.
17. Sedona's current favorite tv show is Curious George. She often shows me (so far only me) how Curious George walks like a monkey.
18. The best place in town, in S's opinion, is McDonalds.
19. Sedona loves nature. She is grounded and calmed by nature & does her best when she is able to be outside all day long.
20. Sedona is an amazing artist. She has a talent for drawing and a great imagination.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Loss of self
Lately I have been forced to acknowledge some of my own personal deficits and it's not easy. I cannot get into many details because I have an ongoing legal case which is not settled, however, I will say that these problems have originated from being hit by a car as a pediastrian in 2006, and then re-injured when rear ended six months later.
I have problems with memory (both short & long term), concentration, fatigue, chronic pain and some language/speech problems. I have been told I won't be able to return to work as a child protection worker ever. I've known this for a few years now, but it hit home last week when I was sent for a vocational assessment to see what sort of career I can do, if any.
At the end of the day, I was beyond exhausted. I couldn't imagine working a full day, much less a job where you actually had to use your mental/emotional faculties. At this point I actually REALIZED that I will not be able to return to the career I had previously; the career I worked so hard to obtain. I'm not sure if or when I will ever work again.
I worked very hard to become a child protection social worker. My undergrad degree took 7 years to complete because I worked full time, was very chronically ill with ulcerative colitis and had some major setbacks. However, I always have prided myself that I made it through that period and secured a good job and a job that I was really looking forward to advancing in. My goal was to become a team leader for the ministry of children and family development, then possibly move over to an Aboriginal agency. I had supportive team leaders that were willing to help me obtain my goal. Although the job was stressful, I had no intention of leaving.
I've been off work pretty much since my first accident. There were many attempts to get me back to work, but none of them ever panned out. For many years, I felt worthless and this contributed to major depression. It's not easy to be at home, not working, living off of 'long term disability benefits'. Yet, I had came to accept that to some extent. I was beginning to wonder if maybe I could try another area of social work and or possibly get higher education.
The vocational assessment hit me hard because it made me realize how difficult it will be for me to get back to work or even re training. I do not know the results of the assessment, however, somehow I know it's going to be depressing.
I am now a different person than I was prior to the accident, it's hard to admit. I have lost that person I used to be, and have no idea how long it will take to get back to that level I was at previously. I may not ever, and that scares me a lot.
At the end of the day, I was beyond exhausted. I couldn't imagine working a full day, much less a job where you actually had to use your mental/emotional faculties. At this point I actually REALIZED that I will not be able to return to the career I had previously; the career I worked so hard to obtain. I'm not sure if or when I will ever work again.
I worked very hard to become a child protection social worker. My undergrad degree took 7 years to complete because I worked full time, was very chronically ill with ulcerative colitis and had some major setbacks. However, I always have prided myself that I made it through that period and secured a good job and a job that I was really looking forward to advancing in. My goal was to become a team leader for the ministry of children and family development, then possibly move over to an Aboriginal agency. I had supportive team leaders that were willing to help me obtain my goal. Although the job was stressful, I had no intention of leaving.
I've been off work pretty much since my first accident. There were many attempts to get me back to work, but none of them ever panned out. For many years, I felt worthless and this contributed to major depression. It's not easy to be at home, not working, living off of 'long term disability benefits'. Yet, I had came to accept that to some extent. I was beginning to wonder if maybe I could try another area of social work and or possibly get higher education.
The vocational assessment hit me hard because it made me realize how difficult it will be for me to get back to work or even re training. I do not know the results of the assessment, however, somehow I know it's going to be depressing.
I am now a different person than I was prior to the accident, it's hard to admit. I have lost that person I used to be, and have no idea how long it will take to get back to that level I was at previously. I may not ever, and that scares me a lot.
Friday, March 30, 2012
fog
small steps they say.
i don't want baby steps.
i want to leap so high i feel freedom like the hawk in the sky.
the rain has be with me so long.
fog has overtaken every part of my life, so much
that i can barely see my own feet.
i long for warm sunshine to hit the nape of my neck
to feel my wings float on the currents.
i want to feel at ease with myself.
with every goal attained,
there has to be a gully to remind you that you are indeed,
human.
without wings or feathers and in need of fins.
i don't want baby steps.
i want to leap so high i feel freedom like the hawk in the sky.
the rain has be with me so long.
fog has overtaken every part of my life, so much
that i can barely see my own feet.
i long for warm sunshine to hit the nape of my neck
to feel my wings float on the currents.
i want to feel at ease with myself.
with every goal attained,
there has to be a gully to remind you that you are indeed,
human.
without wings or feathers and in need of fins.
March 26 - Purple Day
One of my earliest memories is being about 4 or 5 years old and looking at the 'dolls of the world' display case at Alberta Children's Hospital in Calgary, AB. I was amazed to see all the dolls dressed in the traditional dress of whatever country they came from - perhaps this is where my love of all things cultural and exotic comes from. My mom would show me the dolls each time we went there, but I don't know how many times I had already been there, or ever went again. I do know that Alberta Children's Hospital impacted me enough to actually go back there as an adult and volunteer. That's a bit off topic, and for another day though.
I am at the children's hospital for an E.E.G. (Electroencephalography), which measures electrical brain activity. This is the standard test that diagnoses Epilepsy, and is also used to monitor Epileptic patients. At that point in time, I am sure I have already had one or two, but I really have no idea. I do not view myself as sick, or living with a neurological disorder.
My first seizure was apparently at about age 18 months. I was sick with a cold or flu, and had a high fever. All I know was that my mom came to my crib and I was seizing. I was officially diagnosed with Epilepsy at age 3 years, which, back then (1982) was pretty young to have such a diagnosis. I suppose I must have had more seizures in between the ages of 18 months and 3 years, but I have never asked my parents if that was the case.
I do recall my neurologist at the Alberta Children's Hospital showing me the results of my EEG. It made no sense to me, but I remember thinking he was quite happy to show me this drawing his machine made of squiggly lines. Back then, EEGs were not done via the fancy computer systems they have now - they were done using these needles that squiggled all over a looooooooooooong sheet of computer paper. Again, having no idea I was different than anyone else, I really had no idea why this doctor was so happy to explain it all to me. Looking back, it seems like he must have been a man who was passionate about his profession and good on him for trying to educate a little girl about a disorder she had no idea about.
I've lived with Epilepsy my entire life. People close to me know, but many people do not. I have Juvenile Myclonic Epilepsy, which means I have two types of seizures - the usual stereotypical grand mal/tonic clonic and some smaller myclonic seizures. The myclonic seizures look like my arm or hand is jerking and most people are not even aware of it when it happens. I usually just drop what is in my hand.
I have been seizure free for over 8 years and function very well. I have adapted my life to accommodate my disorder, and am lucky that the type of epilepsy I have is very easy to control with medications etc. I however, DO still have Epilepsy - the doctors made sure to give me another EEG a few years ago which indicated abnormal brain waves aka epilepsy.
I decided to dedicate this post to Epilepsy because on March 26 it was Purple Day. Purple day is an initiative started by a little girl, back east, who is living with Epilepsy. She felt there was too much stigma about Epilepsy and wanted more public awareness. March 26 came and went. I'm still living in fear of having a seizure in public. Not because my epilepsy is uncontrolled, but it's the 'what if someone sees me'. I HAVE seen people having seizures in public, and HAVE witnessed people walk around or even over the person, not stopping to help.
I also have been raised in this society where movies and tv shows portray Epilepsy as either a evil disorder associated with demons, or some sort of ignorant joke. As a result, I don't feel safe "going public" as a person living with Epilepsy. I fear judgement. I fear someone would assume I could not care for my daughters (I have heard this from close friends as well - 'how do you safely care for a baby if you have Epilepsy?"), and I fear having to answer all the stupid questions that come along with talking to people about seizures. I AM definitely open to talking about Epilepsy and life with it, however, I feel sometimes people just 'allow' themselves to be ignorant about this disorder. People don't ask why someone with cerebral palsy walks differently, and are usually fairly sensitive about the topic, yet they will ask me about swallowing my tongue. By the way, no you can't swallow your tongue.....it's attached to your mouth.
To try to support purple day, for this new generation growing up with Epilepsy, I did ask my boyfriend to do something for me. He's a loving, very supportive guy, don't get me wrong, but he even failed me in this area that is very personal and sensitive to me. He works for a local radio station and is the programming manager. I asked him if he had any radio ads for Purple day, as his station regularly does public service announcements. He said he wasn't sure, but likely he did. Being the person I am, I googled for one, and found one he could just download and emailed it to him. He didn't pick up on it, and I am too sensitive about the topic to get into it, so I dropped it. I felt it was almost an insult he didn't quite get why I wanted him to do that. I was hurt.
So, here's my 'out' to try to create more awareness about life with Epilepsy. We need to stop the stigma, we need to stop allowing tv/movies to portray seizures in such a horrific way, and we need to start talking about Epilepsy more. I am trying. I am especially trying whenever I see a young child recently diagnosed, or perhaps, just learning to cope with Epilepsy as I once did. I hope that one day the fear surrounding this disorder ends.
I am at the children's hospital for an E.E.G. (Electroencephalography), which measures electrical brain activity. This is the standard test that diagnoses Epilepsy, and is also used to monitor Epileptic patients. At that point in time, I am sure I have already had one or two, but I really have no idea. I do not view myself as sick, or living with a neurological disorder.
My first seizure was apparently at about age 18 months. I was sick with a cold or flu, and had a high fever. All I know was that my mom came to my crib and I was seizing. I was officially diagnosed with Epilepsy at age 3 years, which, back then (1982) was pretty young to have such a diagnosis. I suppose I must have had more seizures in between the ages of 18 months and 3 years, but I have never asked my parents if that was the case.
I do recall my neurologist at the Alberta Children's Hospital showing me the results of my EEG. It made no sense to me, but I remember thinking he was quite happy to show me this drawing his machine made of squiggly lines. Back then, EEGs were not done via the fancy computer systems they have now - they were done using these needles that squiggled all over a looooooooooooong sheet of computer paper. Again, having no idea I was different than anyone else, I really had no idea why this doctor was so happy to explain it all to me. Looking back, it seems like he must have been a man who was passionate about his profession and good on him for trying to educate a little girl about a disorder she had no idea about.
I've lived with Epilepsy my entire life. People close to me know, but many people do not. I have Juvenile Myclonic Epilepsy, which means I have two types of seizures - the usual stereotypical grand mal/tonic clonic and some smaller myclonic seizures. The myclonic seizures look like my arm or hand is jerking and most people are not even aware of it when it happens. I usually just drop what is in my hand.
I have been seizure free for over 8 years and function very well. I have adapted my life to accommodate my disorder, and am lucky that the type of epilepsy I have is very easy to control with medications etc. I however, DO still have Epilepsy - the doctors made sure to give me another EEG a few years ago which indicated abnormal brain waves aka epilepsy.
I also have been raised in this society where movies and tv shows portray Epilepsy as either a evil disorder associated with demons, or some sort of ignorant joke. As a result, I don't feel safe "going public" as a person living with Epilepsy. I fear judgement. I fear someone would assume I could not care for my daughters (I have heard this from close friends as well - 'how do you safely care for a baby if you have Epilepsy?"), and I fear having to answer all the stupid questions that come along with talking to people about seizures. I AM definitely open to talking about Epilepsy and life with it, however, I feel sometimes people just 'allow' themselves to be ignorant about this disorder. People don't ask why someone with cerebral palsy walks differently, and are usually fairly sensitive about the topic, yet they will ask me about swallowing my tongue. By the way, no you can't swallow your tongue.....it's attached to your mouth.
To try to support purple day, for this new generation growing up with Epilepsy, I did ask my boyfriend to do something for me. He's a loving, very supportive guy, don't get me wrong, but he even failed me in this area that is very personal and sensitive to me. He works for a local radio station and is the programming manager. I asked him if he had any radio ads for Purple day, as his station regularly does public service announcements. He said he wasn't sure, but likely he did. Being the person I am, I googled for one, and found one he could just download and emailed it to him. He didn't pick up on it, and I am too sensitive about the topic to get into it, so I dropped it. I felt it was almost an insult he didn't quite get why I wanted him to do that. I was hurt.
So, here's my 'out' to try to create more awareness about life with Epilepsy. We need to stop the stigma, we need to stop allowing tv/movies to portray seizures in such a horrific way, and we need to start talking about Epilepsy more. I am trying. I am especially trying whenever I see a young child recently diagnosed, or perhaps, just learning to cope with Epilepsy as I once did. I hope that one day the fear surrounding this disorder ends.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
I have a four year old who abuses me. No one would believe that it is NOT the result of her environment, or trauma, or bad parenting. Perhaps one would think I am exaggerating. Trust me, I'm not. I get sworn at, yelled at, kicked, punched, hit, and told "NO" constantly. Sometimes I am told "I hate you mommy, I don't love you anymore".
Yet, in the community or at daycare she is an angel. I get compliments on what a wonderful, sweet, caring, compassionate little girl she is. She is always getting awards at daycare for being so helpful and kind to her friends, yet, when I ask her to put her laundry in the hamper, I get nothing but name calling, and other hurtful things said to me.
Miss Sedona has a very good attachment, which has become a very hot topic in the child development/child psychology world in the past 15 yrs or so. They say it helps the child grow up to be a 'functioning' member of society. So if she has a good attachment, one would think she'd be prone to being NICE to her main attachment figure (me). Apparently not. Apparently, it's because she feels safest with me that she feels she can let it all out on me.
Still makes me hurt. I might understand the reasons why, but it hurts when you put your life and soul into this little person that you DIDN'T bring into this world and they say stuff like that. Sometimes it makes you wonder why you got involved in the first place.
Sedona has never been exposed to domestic violence, does not watch violent tv, or any of the other things they say you shouldn't let your kids do or see. She has had all the early interventions I can possibly think of, including very expensive musical development lessons since she was six months old.
Sedona is also very anxious, and I know this is where part of this comes from. She is on medication for anxiety and likely has a mood disorder on top of that (perhaps bi-polar but they won't diagnose kids with bi-polar in Canada). She holds it all together all day long, then explodes on me. It's rarely a day that goes by that she doesn't say or do something just plain mean or hurtful to me.
But I love her with all my heart. I guess that is what unconditional love is about....showing that you care about someone no matter what they do.
Yet, in the community or at daycare she is an angel. I get compliments on what a wonderful, sweet, caring, compassionate little girl she is. She is always getting awards at daycare for being so helpful and kind to her friends, yet, when I ask her to put her laundry in the hamper, I get nothing but name calling, and other hurtful things said to me.
Miss Sedona has a very good attachment, which has become a very hot topic in the child development/child psychology world in the past 15 yrs or so. They say it helps the child grow up to be a 'functioning' member of society. So if she has a good attachment, one would think she'd be prone to being NICE to her main attachment figure (me). Apparently not. Apparently, it's because she feels safest with me that she feels she can let it all out on me.
Still makes me hurt. I might understand the reasons why, but it hurts when you put your life and soul into this little person that you DIDN'T bring into this world and they say stuff like that. Sometimes it makes you wonder why you got involved in the first place.
Sedona has never been exposed to domestic violence, does not watch violent tv, or any of the other things they say you shouldn't let your kids do or see. She has had all the early interventions I can possibly think of, including very expensive musical development lessons since she was six months old.
Sedona is also very anxious, and I know this is where part of this comes from. She is on medication for anxiety and likely has a mood disorder on top of that (perhaps bi-polar but they won't diagnose kids with bi-polar in Canada). She holds it all together all day long, then explodes on me. It's rarely a day that goes by that she doesn't say or do something just plain mean or hurtful to me.
But I love her with all my heart. I guess that is what unconditional love is about....showing that you care about someone no matter what they do.
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