And the chief says......

My little Dove is a strange kid.  She says some of the oddest things at the most inappropriate times, and all you can do is either shake your head in absurdity or burst into laughter. We have begun calling her "Chief" because she has the mannerisms of a chief - in control, a bit egotistical, a leader, direct and sometimes a deep old voice.

I thought I would share some of her recent "chiefisms":

- Chief substitutes the word "breasts" for "marmots". No one knows why, it's just something she came up with.      So now there's a whole lot of marmot talk going on.  "grandma you have MARMOTS"  "mom look at that man - HE HAS MARMOTS", "auntie, you have marmots" (that one always pleases her modest teenage aunties).

- After meeting my new boyfriend:  "Mom, where is your other boyfriend?  Your boyfriend is allowed to stay the night. He can sleep on the couch". Thanks Chief for saying that in FRONT of new boyfriend. Keep in mind I have never let anyone sleep over and she had only met one previous boyfriend ONE TIME.

-  Shuck-a-la  - no explanation needed here.

SHUCK-A-LA!!!!!!!

SHUCK-A-LA, SHUCK-A-LA, SHUCK-A-LA-LA-LA


Say it out loud.  Say it loudly.  In fact SCREAM it.  Then repeat 10x, or maybe 30x.  Maybe throw in a few other random non english words. Then run, jump, spin, jump on other people, shake your booty in people's faces, anything else you can possibly think of to annoy others.

That's my dear 3 yr old, whom I'll call Dove.  This is her when she first wakes up at about 7:30 until about 9 am when her medication kicks in.  Then it starts again at about 3 pm until she passes out from pure exhaustion at MAYBE 10 pm, but mostly later.

Dear Dove is 3.5 yrs old.  She was born prenatally exposed to alcohol, marijuana, cigarettes, and quite possibly a number of other toxins. She did not have good prenatal care.  She had major stressors in utero, which I cannot imagine, when her birthmother frequented the downtown eastside of Vancouver, notably the worst neighborhood in Canada.

Dove was a happy baby and has been with me since she was 6 weeks old.  Always smiling and laughing. Now I understand why - she's hyperactive. A  happy baby is good, but now i understand it can be an omen of things to come.

Dove has an very protective guardian angel. Dove has risked her life several times simply because she does not have the ability to control the impulses she gets.  She has ripped herself away from my hand and run into traffic. She has jumped into my parents in ground pool on 3 separate occasions, all when it was NOT swimming time and all when not wearing a life jacket. Luckily I have known for awhile Dove is not able to play without direct 1:1 supervision and has been saved without long term effects.  But, if Dove wants to go for a swim, in that millisecond, she will.  No time to think maybe it's not safe, no time to consider it might even be too cold.  She has ran away from me in the stores. She still sleeps in a crib because she requires the physcial reminder of the bars of the crib to remind her to stay IN bed at night and not wander the house.

My motivation for writing this post is the result of last nights happenings. Our entire family went out to Mcdonalds. Yes it's crap food, but at least the kids can play there and the adults can talk without kids being 'bored'. After dinner, and doing fairly well, dear Dove LOUDLY announces "MOMMY I'VE POOPED MY PANTS!!!".  As though it was an accomplishment.  "Lovely," I think.  "Dove, let's go to the bathroom," I whisper.  "BUT MOMMY I POOPED", she responds as she so smartly puts her finger down the back of her pants.  And repeats her accomplishment about 3 more times.

Time to go. I've been through this before. It's late, her medication had worn off, I probably should have expected disaster. She has been completely potty trained since July 2011. Now it's time for her to get her boots on. I gently ask my other daughter, Sedona, to quickly get ready so we can get out of there without being completely embarrassed. Dove takes off running, poopy pants and all. Not to mention they were brand new pants.

Now comes time for "Army Sargent" mom mode to kick in.  This is one of my alter egos, created as the result of parenting dear Dove and her sister Sedona. As many of you know, I am a very calm, quiet and gentle person.  Yet, that style does not always work for my dear girls.  I have to be what I call 'mean' sometimes.  Especially in times when their brains are just not working, such as when at McDonalds running around in poopy pants.  "DOVE, BOOTS, NOW!".  Firmly, gently, and only significant words (as per the guidelines for parenting kids with FASD/ADHD).

Dove can't even hear me. She's on another planet. I shorten the sentence to "DOVE, BOOTS". Nothing.  "BOOTS" gets me a glance from Dove.  I physically direct her to the boot area to find that her boots are not there. I have to physically take her around the play area to look for the boots.  Meanwhile, she is dropping to the ground at every possible moment. Sedona, I am lucky, got dressed quickly and is waiting playing a game.  I have limited time to not only get Dove ready, but before Sedona goes into one her rages from being tired herself.

After at least 10 minutes of the boot stuff, I get Dove to the car. I buckle her in her booster seat, which is something she can do while her medication is working, and close the door. She opens it. She closes it. She opens it again. Closes it.  My sister and her baby are coming with us, so we are waiting for the baby to be buckled into her carseat. My sister says to Dove "Close the door sweetie, the car is going to be moving soon".

"Yeah right, that's going to work," I think to myself.  My sister is learning that sometimes when another adult tells your kid something, they sometimes listen to the other adult better.  "Good luck with that darling, it's just going to keep annoying the hell out of  the both of us for awhile".  Thank you for trying though.

Dove continues the door stuff until the car starts moving. Luckily she didn't touch the door while moving, I think because I have DRILLED that into her head since she was a toddler. Don't even TOUCH the door OR window while the car is moving.

It takes us about 15 minutes to get home.  Army sargent mom gets everyone into bed within 10 minutes. No reading stories or long goodnight routines in this house. A kiss, hug, a tuck in, a reminder to close your eyes.   By the end of the day I'm exhausted from parenting a child where you have to be the external brain.  I NEED them to just go to bed.

Yet, there are times when Dove is an amazing child.  Mainly during "medication" times sadly.  When medicated, her real self can come out, one that is able to be a normal child.  She loves books, especially National Geographic magazines.  She can build things, and be a very compassionate, loving mom to her dolls.  She loves helping her grandparents with their fish aquarium. Her faveourite food is green salad.

As a parent to such a highly hyperactive/impulse impaired child I find myself struggling between modes of empathy for her and pity for myself.  It's hard and she annoys the hell out of me when she's un-medicated. It has, in fact, affected our attachment because pre medication, I could not stand her.  I became burnt out because I had to supervise her 150% more than a typical child just to keep her SAFE.

Our amazing pediatrician made the risky decision to medicate her at such a young age just because there were safety issues.  I cannot express my gratefulness to him for doing this.  I can bond with my daughter, where before I could not even hold her because she was always on the go.  And yes, there are times when I still cannot stand her, but I have the ability to know understand that she has a serious disability, that is very treatable, and that there are times when she's a 'nice' little girl.  I might be shocking some people when I say this, but, "THANK GOODNESS FOR RITALIN!!!"

Facebook or Mombook?

Yes, my first posting is going to be about facebook. A nice easy introduction to the world inside my head. My friends and family know I post to facebook regularly, maybe a little too often.  I admit that probably I bombard my poor facebook friends with a little too many postings.  I post photos of my family, usually daily (or sometimes a few times a day) updates about my life.  Or I post about things that either make me happy, or frustrate me, or if there's some sort of social injustice I want to bring to my circle of friends and family.  Sometimes I will just post a quote that I identify with, or something that I hope will bring a bit of happiness into another person's life.  Sounds like what facebook is about right?


So, as I have been thinking about blogging for a little while now, I decided to post the question to facebook:  'should i blog & would anyone read it?'. Several people were excited to be able to read into more of my life than facebook status allow. Great, I think,  my energies may not be wasted.  A couple agreed that they thought they were already reading my blog, basically indicating they felt I posted too much on facebook about my life already.  Also making me assume they can't stand my constant updates and also makes me wonder why they continue to.  Anyways, my view is, if you don't like it, then don't read it.  A very simple view on the matter.

Now, you must understand my history on facebook. I remember the person who told me about facebook.  It was a co-worker, Desiree, who said to me via good old msn messenger one day, 'haven't you heard about facebook?".  I think it was in 2006, and the majority of my online social time was done via email or msn messenger. Thinking about having photos online or being in contact with people I hadn't seen since I was 10 years old, was not something I would have thought of.  Desiree sent me an invite, and it interested me, but it wasn't a huge thing for me at first.
Then I had to take time off work due to a motor vehicle accident in early 2007.  I also adopted my first daughter in April 2007.  The nature of my injuries resulted in my not going back to work as of even today.  I became isolated. All my friends were working and you have to understand that I had been either going to university or working since I was 18 years old.  I always had an outlet to 'talk' or express my views on issues whether it be in school or with co workers or friends. But, when you don't work, you not only lose that connection but you lose your friends.  Working people and staying at home people are two different types of people that don't usually connect very well unless they have already had that relationship for a long time.

My parents and siblings then moved to Kamloops from Richmond.  I decided to remain living in New Westminster to raise my daughter. I really hated Kamloops anyways, and there was no where to shop :) so there was no way Kamloops would do it for me.  Facebook became a way of me connecting with my family, and showing them the progress of my daughter via pictures and status updates.  It was very handy and very cheap.

As the years went on and I did not work, the isolation became more severe.  I eventually moved to Kamloops to have the support of my family, especially after adopting my second daughter. I found it difficult to connect with people in Kamloops, as it's a small city where everyone knows everyone else and are quite comfortable in their social circles.  Ask anyone who has not lived here for more than 10 years and they will tell you the same.
So facebook became a way of connecting with old friends, old schoolmates, old coworkers and finding new friends with similar interests. I have found a lot of support on various issues in several different facebook groups.  For example, I am a member of an adoption support group for adoptive parents of FASD children in BC.  It has provided me with unlimited support in raising my girls and I have actually made some very close friends as a result. The 'adoptive mom's', as I so lovingly call them, are like a member of my extended family even though I have not met any of them.  I can always count on them for support and am very grateful for them all.

Over the past five years or so of being a facebooker, I have noticed there are three types of people on facebook.  There are:


1: Stalkbookers:  They friend you but don't have anything on their account. Sometimes they have no profile pic, some have a picture of a cat or other cute animal, and they never post a status. Yet sometimes, they will bring up something you said on facebook in normal conversation.  You end up feeling violated.


2. 'FACEbookers:  These people will have a profile pic.  They will also have a few extra albums now and again.  Once in awhile they will post a status update.  They pretend they are not on facebook everyday like the rest of us, but eventually it comes out that they know too much about what's going on in everyone else's life just like the rest of us. It's like they are two faced.

3. Mombookers: (this is me) Mombookers are very identifiable.  They are always online, until about dinner time. They post status updates about their kids or partners, and have tons of pictures of their kids but few of themselves (cause they are always taking the picture). You always know when someone goes on maternity leave because they suddenly start appearing on facebook a lot more. Not only that, is that you are subject to viewing birth pictures, usually including the first breastfeed and the first picture holding the baby when the poor mom looks like hell.  


4. Proudbookers:  Finally, these are those that do not fit the other categories and are regulars on facebook. They post very often, whether it be a funny picture, a status update, a link.  Just think of the teenage friend you have on your friend list.

So now, I ask YOU to be honest about yourself. Which one are you?  Stop trying to be aloof and pretend facebook is not that important to you because we all know that facebook is becoming the next form of communication for people. I am certain 'facebook 101' will eventually become a human service course within the next ten years. It is not necessarily a time waster, it serves a much needed purpose for stay at home moms/dads, people on disability, retirees, socially awkward people, socially anxious people etc.  It can be a positive experience.....