I haven't written much about my own issues, partly because it's easier to write about other's issues :). I am also in a bit of denial about things, which has allowed me to live a fairly stable life these past few years, although I am certainly aware that I do have issues.
These issues I am referring to are in relation to being hit by a car when crossing the road in 2006. I've talked about it briefly before. I don't like to focus too much on the accident, and my troubles because I believe in some ways that gives it more power, and at this point in my life, that accident has a lot of power over me. Unsettled lawsuits, mediation, court dates, 'independent medical exams' - there is a wealth of professionals out there who know more about me than I know about me. I'm really pissed off about that to be honest. The guy who hit me doesn't have to go through this, but I do, despite clear evidence I have problems as a result of the accident.
Anyways, as of late, I'm beginning to realize how my PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) from the accident is affecting me. For years, I walked around in a constant state of adrenaline because I was unaware I even had the condition, and even after diagnosis, no one treated me. I had no idea how important it was to get treatment or really even understood the condition. Even being a social worker, and having thought I knew what PTSD was, I still had the assumption it was only about having 'flashbacks' or 'disassociating'. Nope, not the case I've come to find out.
About a year ago I began to realize the impact PTSD was having on my daily life. I was irritable, snapping at people (VERY unlike me), constantly anxious, jumpy, depressed, unable to sleep, kept people at a distance. I got treatment from both the doctor (yes there is medication for PTSD) and therapy from a good psychologist. I made a ton of progress and how it affected my daily life was lessened.
But as with all skeletons in your closet, they come out to haunt you when you least expect it. I've been too naive. I never thought it would affect my relationship with my new partner, but it is. Since the accident I've not been in a serious relationship with a man - I've dated a lot, but focused my energy on raising my daughters. I've never had to juggle raising my daughters, dealing with my own issues, having a romantic relationship, and having PTSD.
I find how the PTSD rears its ugly head is not in terms of me distancing myself from him or anything like you would expect from someone with the disorder. It comes out in a way that I feel really insecure about the relationship, and get almost needy. That's really hard for me to admit because I like to consider myself independent and not in need of a man. I've been through a lot (even prior to the accident) and have made a life for myself without the help of any man. I've adopted and raised two little girls all by myself. Those are pretty big things, that require a confident person. So why, when I am stressed or worried about something completely different, do I think that Steve is about to jump ship on me?
It is a completely irrational fear and I know it, but at those times I don't FEEL it. Steve is very compassionate, understanding, intelligent and patient. He absolutely adores me, and has said I am the person he has been waiting for his entire life. When he says that, I believe him and I believe he says it with all his being.
So yesterday, when feeling highly stressed and anxious about a completely different issue, I started to get all needy on him. I didn't even realize I was being needy, or able to say "i need extra attention from you right now". I was just kinda being a bitch in a way. Then some unknown force made me say "this feels unsafe for me". This, being the relationship, was feeling unsafe. Steve didn't do anything to make it that way, and we have been having a wonderful time lately. Then with more talking, the unknown force, made me realize what was really going on. All this insecurity was coming from the PTSD and the fact I had not dealt with the stress/anxiety of the day in an appropriate manner.
I believe the 'unknown force' was my spirit guide Catherine. If you believe at all in spirit guides, I can tell you she is an elderly woman, with long grey hair who has a very gentle but persistent personality. She's kind of like a grandmother who nags me in a nice way. I've been meditating a lot lately and communicating with her and when I have these realizations where I don't even know where they come from, they are usually from her. So thank you Catherine. And, the reason I write this is because I think the more open you can be about things that bother you, and put it out into the universe, the easier it is to deal with our human reality. Namaste.
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