falling through the glass floor

I wake up with a horde of firemen and paramedics surrounding me.  I am on the floor of my parent's living room.  I feel puzzled, ambushed, and irritable.  I can't think straight, but I know I must have had a seizure.  The words "i've had a seizure' have not actually run through my mind at this point in time, however, the inexplicable memories associated with a seizure are all too present.

I am sitting up and someone tells me I've had a seizure.  That thought actually goes through my mind.  OK - so why are all these paramedics and firemen here?  Usually when I have had a seizure in the past, I'm just left to go through the process myself, with the comfort of family.  Luckily, I have not had a seizure in about 10 years, so this is not a common occurrence.

I look around and there's like 6 very good looking, young firemen staring at me, an older male paramedic and a woman paramedic. I hear my mom say something from behind me.  Something like "you have had a seizure Cassandra.  It was from all the stress from Dove last night".

Interesting.

My mom goes on to explain to the paramedics that I was at the hospital all night with Dove the previous night.

Sheer shock runs through my body and I turn around.  "What happened to Dove?  Is she ok? Where is she now?"

My mom is shocked I can't remember the events of the previous night. She asks if I remember taking Dove to the hospital for her medication.  No I do not. I remember Dove, I know who she is and what she is like, but I don't for the life of me know what happened in the previous 24 hours.  This is different for me - I've never had any sort of amnesia following a seizure in the past, and my mom looks at me shocked. My world has slowed down to a crawl, panicking, wondering if Dove was in a car accident, or worse.  I cannot imagine anything that would cause such great stress for me.

The fact is, I've never had a seizure while being a parent, and since it's been so long since I've had a seizure, I think it was worse.  It was like I had all this pent up energy that needed to be released, and finally it erupted.

The firemen and paramedics load me into the ambulance.  My dad comes with me, and I feel like a child.  I feel humiliated and inferior; for god's sake I can't even control my body. For two minutes (according to my dad) my body was completely out of my control, and I had no conscious awareness of what was going on. To make matters worse, I did not remember things immediately after.  It was not until we were almost at the hospital (at least 10 minutes later) that I began to remember the previous nights incidents.

It is scary not to know what is going on and not to have a memory. My body feels like it weighs 1000llbs, and I can barely move any muscle.  I have bitten my tongue so bad the pain is immeasurable.   To have to rely on other people for your well being is a lesson in trust to say the least. My head is in incredible pain.

Thank god the seizure happened while I was at my parents house.  Thank you to my guardian angel Catherine, for looking out for me.  A lot worse could have happened and I won't go into the 'what ifs' either.

The memories of the previous night come back; of which I will not get into too many details.  Basically Dove was given a much higher dose of her usual prescription, as the result of a pharmacist mistake. Dove & I spent all night in the ER because she needed to be under observation.  I didn't get much sleep.  Guess what is the number one trigger for my seizures?  Lack of sleep and stress.

It's been a few days since the seizure, and I feel incredible sadness.  It's a big loss for me - I am no longer 'seizure free'.  I have had a major grand mal, good ol fashioned, stereotypical seizure within the past week.  I used to be proud of my seizure free status because it showed that I not only was compliant with my medications, but I also avoided situations that triggered seizures for me.   It's like 'falling off the wagon' when you are an alcoholic.  You have got to start building up from ground zero.

Looking back over the years, there were many times I could have or should have had a seizure.  Times when I was not so careful maybe.  But this time, even though I had my medication with me at the hospital, and tried to sleep when I could, I still could not prevent myself from having a seizure.  This is something that scares me quite a bit.  My parents say it was unavoidable - that I shouldn't feel bad.  I do though.  It is no longer "cassandra vs epilepsy".  It is now "cassandra+2 daughters vs epilepsy".

I wonder what will happen in the future - what if one of my daughters requires hospitalization again?  Will I be able to physically stay with them in the hospital as I want?  My goal with Dove was to never leave her alone for a minute, and I managed to do so while we were in the hospital. I am proud of that.

For now I just feel very depressed.  It's as though a part of me has died. I expect to have good days and bad days, but this aspect of my "self" is gone, and it was one that I felt pretty good about.

finding my needle...

Dating in 2012 is hard. it's even harder when you are a single mom who rarely gets the opportunity to socialize outside of the home.  There are days when i have enough energy to think i could possibly manage a romantic relationship. Those are the days I get lonely.  Yet there are other days when I just want a 'husband' to take out the garbage, pick up the girls from daycare, supplement my income, and fix my car. Those are my desperation days.

To determine whether it is a 'lonely' day or a 'desperate' day all depends on my mood and energy level.  Most times, I have to admit, it's a desperate day.  I just want to skip over the romance crap and get straight to it.  I need a man around here to boss around. 

Seeing as I don't work, and don't attend school, I am left with little options for man hunting.  My man hunting would have to be at kids' activities (very few single men there) or online.

Everyone tells me to 'go online' to find a partner. I've been 'online' for a long time. I dated one guy for a year 'from online'.  It certainly can work - there's lots of great stories of wonderful relationships being created as the result of an online dating site.

However, it's a very difficult process to endure.

I've been around a lot. I've actually been on a lot of dates and a lot of unsuccessful dates.  I'd like to categorize them for your reading pleasure, so you all know what I am up against. 

1.  the pedophile/just out of jail shark:  I've had men message me with photos of themselves standing in front of the local halfway house.  I went on a date with a guy who, as it turns out, is not allowed to see his children unsupervised due to "alleged" sexual abuse of his children.  Thanks for wasting my time.

2.  the scrub:  just like salt n pepa rapped about in the 90's, you don't want a scrub.  i've been successful in avoiding these, however, i've had to set some limits in what I will accept before any date. You MUST have a job, and preferably make the same amount of $ as I do.  You also must have a vehicle.

3. the sex addict:  they want 'friends' or 'nsa sex'.  More times than not, they are married or in a committed relationship already but are somehow 'unsatisfied'. sometimes they even tell you this in hopes you will feel sorry for them.

4. the aspie:  i hate to do this, but i must give these serious neurological disorder it's own date category.  Typically, they are intelligent, have funny quirks, appear very honest and loyal.  Usually have obsessions, collections (weird things that serve no use), and try to avoid physical contact.  I have heard of Aspies being sex fiends, but have yet to meet one. I've been in a short relationship with an undiagnosed Aspie, who he himself thought he might be Aspie. After providing him with entertainment, he drops you like a hot stone. There's a lot of Aspies online, and there's a reason for that.  They need to start aspielove.com or something. 

5. The momma lover:  these guys want either an older woman or someone very nurturing. danger.  danger especially for people like me.  that's all i will say.

6.  the borderline personality disorder whale: this guy eats you up whole.  Initially you are scared, your gut reaction knows to avoid such an inflated ego.  The BPD whale however, charms you with not only beauty (if he has any) but his loving caring nature.  Somehow his intelligence appeals to you, and he puts you up on a pedestal.  He claims you are 'unlike any woman he has ever met before'. Before long you are enmeshed.  Swallowed inside his huge empty pit, that is unable to love or to trust love.  BPD apparently originates from attachment disorder, so oftentimes they have had attachment injuries in childhood, or have been abused/neglected.   You feel sorry for them.  They do little things to make you like them.  You accept his shortcomings, being the caring person YOU are.  Then, all of a sudden, he realizes the chase is over. It's no longer fun.  Then it's time for you to go up the blow hole!

7. The fruitcake:  He tells you he is a chef, and it turns out he works at Chevron.  He also tells you he drives a 2010 model car, and it turns out its a $2500 2000 model car.  More short comings include the fact his mother will not let him travel alone, and he get very defensive if you ask if he lives alone (obviously that's something he's had to overcome).  When you go to the local restaurant for dinner, the waitresses all roll their eyes, yet he thinks he is quite welcomed.

I seriously could go on and on.  As of late, I've taken my mom's advice and joined some sites where you have to pay a monthly fee.  My mom said it 'might be more serious'.  Yes. So far, it means i'm basically paying $35/month to get laid if I really want to.  I  don't have a problem finding men to sleep with, men are easy that way. It's finding the needle in the haystack that is the problem. 

What I am finding, is that these men are on these sites for a reason.  You've got to be able to find out what their reason for being on the site is.  Most of the time, it's not congruent with the reasons I am on the site (single mom with no social life).  I need to find a magic genie and then I think I'd wish for NO desire to have a man around.