I wake up with a horde of firemen and paramedics surrounding me. I am on the floor of my parent's living room. I feel puzzled, ambushed, and irritable. I can't think straight, but I know I must have had a seizure. The words "i've had a seizure' have not actually run through my mind at this point in time, however, the inexplicable memories associated with a seizure are all too present.
I am sitting up and someone tells me I've had a seizure. That thought actually goes through my mind. OK - so why are all these paramedics and firemen here? Usually when I have had a seizure in the past, I'm just left to go through the process myself, with the comfort of family. Luckily, I have not had a seizure in about 10 years, so this is not a common occurrence.
I look around and there's like 6 very good looking, young firemen staring at me, an older male paramedic and a woman paramedic. I hear my mom say something from behind me. Something like "you have had a seizure Cassandra. It was from all the stress from Dove last night".
Interesting.
My mom goes on to explain to the paramedics that I was at the hospital all night with Dove the previous night.
Sheer shock runs through my body and I turn around. "What happened to Dove? Is she ok? Where is she now?"
My mom is shocked I can't remember the events of the previous night. She asks if I remember taking Dove to the hospital for her medication. No I do not. I remember Dove, I know who she is and what she is like, but I don't for the life of me know what happened in the previous 24 hours. This is different for me - I've never had any sort of amnesia following a seizure in the past, and my mom looks at me shocked. My world has slowed down to a crawl, panicking, wondering if Dove was in a car accident, or worse. I cannot imagine anything that would cause such great stress for me.
The fact is, I've never had a seizure while being a parent, and since it's been so long since I've had a seizure, I think it was worse. It was like I had all this pent up energy that needed to be released, and finally it erupted.
The firemen and paramedics load me into the ambulance. My dad comes with me, and I feel like a child. I feel humiliated and inferior; for god's sake I can't even control my body. For two minutes (according to my dad) my body was completely out of my control, and I had no conscious awareness of what was going on. To make matters worse, I did not remember things immediately after. It was not until we were almost at the hospital (at least 10 minutes later) that I began to remember the previous nights incidents.
It is scary not to know what is going on and not to have a memory. My body feels like it weighs 1000llbs, and I can barely move any muscle. I have bitten my tongue so bad the pain is immeasurable. To have to rely on other people for your well being is a lesson in trust to say the least. My head is in incredible pain.
Thank god the seizure happened while I was at my parents house. Thank you to my guardian angel Catherine, for looking out for me. A lot worse could have happened and I won't go into the 'what ifs' either.
The memories of the previous night come back; of which I will not get into too many details. Basically Dove was given a much higher dose of her usual prescription, as the result of a pharmacist mistake. Dove & I spent all night in the ER because she needed to be under observation. I didn't get much sleep. Guess what is the number one trigger for my seizures? Lack of sleep and stress.
It's been a few days since the seizure, and I feel incredible sadness. It's a big loss for me - I am no longer 'seizure free'. I have had a major grand mal, good ol fashioned, stereotypical seizure within the past week. I used to be proud of my seizure free status because it showed that I not only was compliant with my medications, but I also avoided situations that triggered seizures for me. It's like 'falling off the wagon' when you are an alcoholic. You have got to start building up from ground zero.
Looking back over the years, there were many times I could have or should have had a seizure. Times when I was not so careful maybe. But this time, even though I had my medication with me at the hospital, and tried to sleep when I could, I still could not prevent myself from having a seizure. This is something that scares me quite a bit. My parents say it was unavoidable - that I shouldn't feel bad. I do though. It is no longer "cassandra vs epilepsy". It is now "cassandra+2 daughters vs epilepsy".
I wonder what will happen in the future - what if one of my daughters requires hospitalization again? Will I be able to physically stay with them in the hospital as I want? My goal with Dove was to never leave her alone for a minute, and I managed to do so while we were in the hospital. I am proud of that.
For now I just feel very depressed. It's as though a part of me has died. I expect to have good days and bad days, but this aspect of my "self" is gone, and it was one that I felt pretty good about.
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