My baby bear is growing up

My first baby was not born from my womb and I really only had two weeks to prepare for her.  I had no idea she was going to be a girl, so the rush was on to find neutral clothing for a newborn, which was harder than you might imagine.  I was a train wreck, moving from intense fear of the decision I had made to raise the unborn baby, and excitement, and then back to fear.  Fear of the unknown, fear of responsibility, fear of doing some unknown harm to the baby, fear of how my life would change. Fear of being a bad mother.

I received the call at about 3:30 pm that birthmom had gone into labour. My mom and I went to the hospital almost immediately.  As we were walking to the delivery area, a little baby wrapped snugly in a mint green blanket was being rolled out to the nursery by a nurse.   We asked if this was 'our' baby, and sure enough it was. She had a big chubby red face, and a grumpy expression to top it off.

My mom was the first to hold her, as I was too nervous. I remember the first time holding her, wondering if I was going to hurt her, and being terrified that she would cry. She had tight little black curls all over the top of her head and I remember my mom saying to me "pat her bum, all babies like their bums patted when you hold them".  It turns out mom's advice was right.  

I was there to give her the first feed, her first bath, change her into her first outfit. The first outfit I changed her into was a sleeper with ducks all over it.  It has now become part of her story - that I changed her into her little ducky sleeper after birthmom 'gave' her to me.

I brought her home when she was two days old. Again, I was completely terrified. 

Eventually I got used to being her mom.  She was the light of my life and is what got me through some rough times.  I did everything for her, often leaving my needs at the door.  I adored this little soul, and still do, and did everything in my power to make her life the best I could.

Now this little baby is turning five years old and will be in kindergarten in September.  I can't believe where the time went.  She is tall for her age, has long curly hair down to her bum, is athletic, artistic, and has a very compassionate, loving side.  As of late, she has taken to drawing amazing pictures of fish, which I find cute because I think she is part fish. She loves to swim, like her birthmother, and I am thinking of putting her in swim club next year. I have started to buy clothes for kindergarten.......

Baby bear, we have come a long way.  

Oh right....you fart.

Why do we have to be reminded we are all human?

Lately, all my energy has been spread thin.  I have to balance being a parent to two special needs girls, having my own medical needs, being in a new romantic relationship, and family commitments.  I have been very excited about my new romantic  partner, and especially excited to see what our future holds.  Who wouldn’t be after being classified ‘single’ for the past 5 years? 

Although I did not really ‘date’ long before I met my current partner, I had my share of bad dates.  I had previously considered writing a blog on the dating scene for awhile, but I thought people would think I was exaggerating.   No one would believe I dated a foreign trained doctor who was about 5’4 (I’m 5’7) and laughed like Woody Woodpecker.  Or that the majority of the conversations on the dates I went on, included some talk about the size of the man’s penis (how stimulating! No pun intended). How about the one guy who asked immediately all sorts of questions about my daughters (pervert)?  Did I mention the rapid speech guy yet?

So when I met the man I am with currently, I was very jaded. I was ready to quit dating altogether and attend as many ‘passion parties’ as I could.  Quite possibly, I could have the largest collection of vibrators known to woman!  I really had this idea there was little need for a man in my life. 

Regardless, I kept searching and, I admit, I found him online.  It was not on the well known “POF”, but another site I had just heard about.  He had written a very nice profile, which seemed intelligent, he had a degree, and worked in media.  I was intrigued.  He did not have the best picture (I think he knows that, so I am allowed to say it), but I was trying to see beyond physical appearances.

We chatted online for a few days, and it seemed to be going ok, so we met for coffee later in the week. I didn’t even tell anyone that I was going to meet someone new, as I had very low expectations. Our little mini date went well, we seemed to be able to hold a conversation and he was actually intelligent.  He didn’t even tell me the size of his penis!!!  There were no apparent mental health concerns either – no rapid speech, paranoia, unusual obsessions, etc.  Another bonus!

Needless to say, despite me trying to self sabotage myself in the beginning, it has blossomed into a wonderful little romance.  We are both ready for a serious relationship, and are very much aware of each other’s needs.  We are both respectful of each other and try to make the relationship fair and equal as much as possible. It has been an amazing experience, to be treated like how I should be treated by a man, something that has never happened before.  I am a very lucky woman.  

Today though, we reached a new level.  The passion has died down.  We are starting to realize we are both human, and it is going to take a lot of work to be in a relationship despite both of us being very committed to it.  No matter what, there will be problems.  It is kinda sad to me.  I said to him “I think we are over the honeymoon stage”, and he replied “yes I think so”.  Now the work begins.  We are on the the stage I like to call ‘I know you fart, have stinky feet, snore, and the way you chew your food annoys me’ stage.  In other words, the human stage.... 

Crocodile, Crocodile

I had a very interesting dream last night. I was with a friend, that I couldn't quite see but I knew it was a female friend, and we were walking on a very hot day.  We walked down to the South Kamloops River, which I found interesting because I feel more connected to the North Thompson River as we live about a block away from the North Thompson.  For those of you not familiar with Kamloops, the North & South Thompson rivers meet in Kamloops and both rivers are quite powerful bodies of water. 

It was such a hot, dry day that we both felt we needed to go into the water.  Whenever we tried to dip our feet in the water, crocodiles would appear.  They would never bite, but we were afraid of them.  At one point, we had to swim across the river and I remember the intense feeling of fear, that these crocodiles would bite me, but they never did.  Then, towards the end of the dream, we were standing on the beach and we saw two baby crocodiles. They were the cutest things ever, despite being crocodiles, and I remember saying or hearing that they had just hatched (do crocodiles hatch?).  They were just born regardless, and no mother to be found.  Then I woke up.

I felt such emotion during this dream, mainly fear and apprehension.  It was one of those dreams that you think you are bound to remember forever just because it was so 'real', and immediately, I thought of the crocodiles.  I am a firm believer in animal totems, and I believe these totems can change whenever they need to. Sometimes you may have one totem that is with you for life, but I believe we usually have more than one, and they often change because they are there to teach us something.

Whenever an animal comes into my life, and I become aware that it is there, I often think about what it is trying to tell me.  I think about the animal's characteristics and sometimes that gives me enough to get the message that I feel I need to get, but sometimes I also have to look to other sources of wisdom (books, internet etc). These crocodiles were standing out for me though, and I knew they had to be a totem, just a totem that came to me in a dream.



My thoughts of crocodile - ancient, old, primal, hard exterior for protection, uncaring, wise.   That wasn't doing much for me in terms of what these crocs were trying to tell me.  I then looked it up on the internet (thank goodness for google).  I found a great description that helped me understand what was going on -
http://www.wildspeak.com/totems/crocodile.html Instead of re-iterating what the website says, you can read it yourself if you so choose.

Regardless, I came to realize I am struggling with wanting to shelter and protect my two daughters and my new relationship with a wonderful man.  Struggling because I have always said that I would not be the type to get my daughters involved in my personal dating relationships at all because I worry about their attachment, and if the relationship with the man does not work out, then they will lose whatever attachment they may have to the man too.  Even if it is in a small way, such as the man coming over for dinner or all of us going to do an activity in the community.  I have worked VERY hard to build strong attachments with both girls because they are not my birth children, and I am very protective of them.  I have sheltered them so much that only immediate family or daycare babysits them and I am keeping them in a daycare that I am not satisfied with so as not to break their attachment to the caregivers there. Both girls have been seen by numerous professionals and all have noted their strong bond to me, which I am proud of because I believe having a good attachment to your primary caregiver is what will get you through life easier. 

So this past weekend, my head felt it was alright for my boyfriend & I to take the girls out with us on Saturday evening, but my heart struggled.  We decided to do a family kind of date - we took the girls swimming and then for dinner.  They were exhausted afterwards, went to bed pretty quickly and I decided to let the new boyfriend stay overnight.  This is ALL new territory for me and the girls.  We had a very nice evening, the girls were very happy to be included and I felt good including them instead of pawning them off on a babysitter (even though it's an auntie that babysits them).  The girls were ok having my boyfriend sleep over and in fact did not ask too many questions like I expected, or have any tantrums etc.  I was the one who was stressed, not the girls, and not the boyfriend. Little Dove was a bit clingy the next day, but I felt that was healthy and encouraged it as I understood what was going on for her. 

In the morning, I made breakfast, the boyfriend played in the living room with the kids. It felt really nice to have company in the morning.  Really nice.  It has always been just me and the girls in the mornings and it's really depressing at times.  Its a time when I remember how single I am and how 'dad-less' the girls are.  

All this aside I still am conflicted about how I feel about it all.  I know this man really has potential, possibly marriage material.  He is stable, caring, gentle, and he adores me.  It sounds bad, but I have never been treated with such respect by a man in my whole life, and I am also noticing that we truly have a two way relationship.  So I am thinking he might be a keeper, and I know it's early to think that, but it is a strong feeling I have.  Part of my identity however, is my children.  It is hard to date and make a new relationship when you have children.  The time required for a new relationship means you either have to include the kids, or leave them with babysitters and risk the time you have with your children.  So really, a single parent just does not have much choice, unless the children go to the other parent for visits.  In my case, my girls have no father to visit and are with me 24/7. They are my life right now and I guess any man involved with me needs to realize that and fully accept that.  I am lucky that this new man does, but I sure wish I could accept it.  Maybe then I wouldn't be having scary crocodile dreams.  

 

Anger

Sedona has now been diagnosed with post concussion syndrome as the result of running full force into a pole while at daycare.  This occurred a few weeks before christmas 2011.

Some current symptoms of Sedona's post concussion syndrome:

- Headaches - She gets almost daily headaches

- "Fuzzy eyes" - When Sedona is presented with too much stimulus, whether visual, mental, or auditory, she gets overwhelmed and can't see straight. Sometimes she has to close her eyes for a few moments, but most times she needs a nap.

- Inability to focus - While Miss Sedona didn't have a great attention span in the first place, she was coping pretty well. Now I can't even get her to watch 5 minutes of tv without her getting bored.

- Aggression - Sedona has become increasingly aggressive towards her younger sister especially. Biting, hitting, kicking, yelling at.  In the past, Sedona was her sister's best protector and now I have to protect her sister from her.

- Hyperactivity - Hyper to say the least. I can't explain this one, you have to see her in person.

- Fatigue - Sedona has always had sleep issues, but usually with falling asleep. Now the opposite occurs. She takes an average of two naps per day, more if she has had a busy day.

- Anxiety - Sedona was already on medication for anxiety, however, her anxiety increased after the injury and her medication had to be increased.

Sedona's pediatrician, who is amazing, said he has only seen one other case in his career because typically children's brains can recover quickly.  And he has never seen a case where there was not a loss of consciousness.

I'm saddened Sedona now has another issue to deal with.  Adopted, anxious, a child of colour, possibly FASD.  I'm grieving for her although she has no idea what is going on.  I am scared that due to her birthmom's alcohol/drug use during her pregnancy with Sedona, that Sedona's brain may never heal from this injury.  I'm really angry Sedona was NOT given the best chance at life as the result of an addiction.

Here are some links:
http://waddleeahchaa.com/2012/01/11/post-concussion-syndrome-in-children/