It was such a hot, dry day that we both felt we needed to go into the water. Whenever we tried to dip our feet in the water, crocodiles would appear. They would never bite, but we were afraid of them. At one point, we had to swim across the river and I remember the intense feeling of fear, that these crocodiles would bite me, but they never did. Then, towards the end of the dream, we were standing on the beach and we saw two baby crocodiles. They were the cutest things ever, despite being crocodiles, and I remember saying or hearing that they had just hatched (do crocodiles hatch?). They were just born regardless, and no mother to be found. Then I woke up.
I felt such emotion during this dream, mainly fear and apprehension. It was one of those dreams that you think you are bound to remember forever just because it was so 'real', and immediately, I thought of the crocodiles. I am a firm believer in animal totems, and I believe these totems can change whenever they need to. Sometimes you may have one totem that is with you for life, but I believe we usually have more than one, and they often change because they are there to teach us something.
Whenever an animal comes into my life, and I become aware that it is there, I often think about what it is trying to tell me. I think about the animal's characteristics and sometimes that gives me enough to get the message that I feel I need to get, but sometimes I also have to look to other sources of wisdom (books, internet etc). These crocodiles were standing out for me though, and I knew they had to be a totem, just a totem that came to me in a dream.
My thoughts of crocodile - ancient, old, primal, hard exterior for protection, uncaring, wise. That wasn't doing much for me in terms of what these crocs were trying to tell me. I then looked it up on the internet (thank goodness for google). I found a great description that helped me understand what was going on -
http://www.wildspeak.com/totems/crocodile.html Instead of re-iterating what the website says, you can read it yourself if you so choose.
Regardless, I came to realize I am struggling with wanting to shelter and protect my two daughters and my new relationship with a wonderful man. Struggling because I have always said that I would not be the type to get my daughters involved in my personal dating relationships at all because I worry about their attachment, and if the relationship with the man does not work out, then they will lose whatever attachment they may have to the man too. Even if it is in a small way, such as the man coming over for dinner or all of us going to do an activity in the community. I have worked VERY hard to build strong attachments with both girls because they are not my birth children, and I am very protective of them. I have sheltered them so much that only immediate family or daycare babysits them and I am keeping them in a daycare that I am not satisfied with so as not to break their attachment to the caregivers there. Both girls have been seen by numerous professionals and all have noted their strong bond to me, which I am proud of because I believe having a good attachment to your primary caregiver is what will get you through life easier.
I felt such emotion during this dream, mainly fear and apprehension. It was one of those dreams that you think you are bound to remember forever just because it was so 'real', and immediately, I thought of the crocodiles. I am a firm believer in animal totems, and I believe these totems can change whenever they need to. Sometimes you may have one totem that is with you for life, but I believe we usually have more than one, and they often change because they are there to teach us something.
Whenever an animal comes into my life, and I become aware that it is there, I often think about what it is trying to tell me. I think about the animal's characteristics and sometimes that gives me enough to get the message that I feel I need to get, but sometimes I also have to look to other sources of wisdom (books, internet etc). These crocodiles were standing out for me though, and I knew they had to be a totem, just a totem that came to me in a dream.
My thoughts of crocodile - ancient, old, primal, hard exterior for protection, uncaring, wise. That wasn't doing much for me in terms of what these crocs were trying to tell me. I then looked it up on the internet (thank goodness for google). I found a great description that helped me understand what was going on -
http://www.wildspeak.com/totems/crocodile.html Instead of re-iterating what the website says, you can read it yourself if you so choose.
Regardless, I came to realize I am struggling with wanting to shelter and protect my two daughters and my new relationship with a wonderful man. Struggling because I have always said that I would not be the type to get my daughters involved in my personal dating relationships at all because I worry about their attachment, and if the relationship with the man does not work out, then they will lose whatever attachment they may have to the man too. Even if it is in a small way, such as the man coming over for dinner or all of us going to do an activity in the community. I have worked VERY hard to build strong attachments with both girls because they are not my birth children, and I am very protective of them. I have sheltered them so much that only immediate family or daycare babysits them and I am keeping them in a daycare that I am not satisfied with so as not to break their attachment to the caregivers there. Both girls have been seen by numerous professionals and all have noted their strong bond to me, which I am proud of because I believe having a good attachment to your primary caregiver is what will get you through life easier.
So this past weekend, my head felt it was alright for my boyfriend & I to take the girls out with us on Saturday evening, but my heart struggled. We decided to do a family kind of date - we took the girls swimming and then for dinner. They were exhausted afterwards, went to bed pretty quickly and I decided to let the new boyfriend stay overnight. This is ALL new territory for me and the girls. We had a very nice evening, the girls were very happy to be included and I felt good including them instead of pawning them off on a babysitter (even though it's an auntie that babysits them). The girls were ok having my boyfriend sleep over and in fact did not ask too many questions like I expected, or have any tantrums etc. I was the one who was stressed, not the girls, and not the boyfriend. Little Dove was a bit clingy the next day, but I felt that was healthy and encouraged it as I understood what was going on for her.
In the morning, I made breakfast, the boyfriend played in the living room with the kids. It felt really nice to have company in the morning. Really nice. It has always been just me and the girls in the mornings and it's really depressing at times. Its a time when I remember how single I am and how 'dad-less' the girls are.
All this aside I still am conflicted about how I feel about it all. I know this man really has potential, possibly marriage material. He is stable, caring, gentle, and he adores me. It sounds bad, but I have never been treated with such respect by a man in my whole life, and I am also noticing that we truly have a two way relationship. So I am thinking he might be a keeper, and I know it's early to think that, but it is a strong feeling I have. Part of my identity however, is my children. It is hard to date and make a new relationship when you have children. The time required for a new relationship means you either have to include the kids, or leave them with babysitters and risk the time you have with your children. So really, a single parent just does not have much choice, unless the children go to the other parent for visits. In my case, my girls have no father to visit and are with me 24/7. They are my life right now and I guess any man involved with me needs to realize that and fully accept that. I am lucky that this new man does, but I sure wish I could accept it. Maybe then I wouldn't be having scary crocodile dreams.
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