Why can't this lovely, cute, adorable 3.5 yr old HAVE A SHOWER????  Why can't she even come look at the shower while it's running and see that it is not some monster that is going to eat her soul??  Why does everything have to be so dramatic with her?

These are my thoughts about 45 minutes ago. Dove is 'odd'. That's the only way to describe her.

I woke up early to a beautiful blue sky, thinking about how the girls could play outside for a bit this morning while I put together my new bench for the entrance way.  Then later on, it is my mom's birthday, so I had plans to get the girls dressed in their new dresses to go for Grandma's birthday dinner.  I had lovely visions for the day.  Yet, for this day to happen, the girls needed to get clean as they were both dusty and dirty from daycare.

Now, my lovely girls have this irrational fear of the shower. They want baths, and I'm not sure why.  I NEED them to learn to be able to take showers for my own sanity.  Sometimes you need to just be able to throw them in the shower, wash them down, and that's it.  Both girls are special needs, and I've assumed all this time that it's probably a sensory issue; that perhaps the shower hurts their skin too much, or they just don't like the sound.  I'm also a firm believer that if something is interfering with your day to day life, you need to face it head on.

So, my mission today was to give a quick shower so we could get on with our day.  I brought Sedona in the shower with me and she realized it was not so bad.  I then asked Dove to do the same.  You would swear I was asking her to jump into a black pit filled with poisonous snakes.  She wouldn't even approach the shower to LOOK at it. Screaming, yelling, crying. If I didn't have a decent relationship with my neighbors, I'm sure they would have phoned the police.  By the way, I have told the neighbors my girls are adopted and have some special needs, and I believe the neighbors understand that they get crazy sometimes.

I eventually forced Dove to get in the shower.  Maybe I'm a mean mom.  Or maybe you could view it as a mom trying to help her child overcome barrier in her life.  Regardless, she stopped crying once she was in, and saw that she wasn't going to die.

I don't know what exactly is up with Dove but she does strange things. I believe she is on the autism spectrum, however, it is likely she won't get a diagnosis.  Girls tend to either NEVER be diagnosed with autism, or don't get diagnosed until much later.  My sister wasn't diagnosed autistic until she was 13 despite being taken to almost every professional in BC.

Dove doesn't know how to play with toys unless directed, doesn't understand how to properly interact with peers (mostly Sedona bosses her around), has a few strange obsessions and irrational fears. There's lots of things that are just odd or off with her.

Yes she has LOTS of positive qualities.  I'm just struggling to see them this morning.  And I vowed to make this blog as real as possible, so there you have it.  I DON'T always 'like' my kids.  And that's is OK, as I still have unconditional love for them.

thank you universe.

I woke up in a foul mood this morning. I'm not sure why. I felt I had enough rest, I was looking forward to the day and we had a fairly good weekend.  Yet, I struggled all day with irritability and a mundane look on life.

My boyfriend and I took the girls to the park to ride bikes.  The girls wanted to go and see the little hobby farm that is nearby, and I just couldn't fathom going to see the goats with the demonic looking eyes, or the miniature horse that looks so desperate to escape from his trapped existence.  So, I asked my partner to walk them over while I rested on the grass. I thought that perhaps reconnecting with Mother Earth would help me feel better.  It helped a bit, but not as much as I hoped.

So later in the day, I silently connected with my spirit guides.  I asked for help grounding me and helping me re connect to my spirituality which has been really lacking lately.  As soon as I did this I felt an unexplained warmth.  My mood lightened a little and I felt a bit better.  I did ask my spirit guides to help me understand what was blocking me in my life, as I felt there was something seriously blocking me.  Of course no one is perfect, but I knew there was something I just was not 'grasping' but I needed to work on.  Sometimes when I ask my guides something, the answer will either pop right into my head, or I will 'feel' something, like an intuition.  At this point nothing happened.

I get through the rest of the evening. I survive and am beginning to look forward to the new week ahead.  At 9:45 pm, I get a phone call from someone I didn't expect and whom I had not talked to in over 6 months. This call was from my ex husband, whom I have been divorced from for about 8 years now.

Now, this man is very self centered and usually only calls me when he is in need of my advice on something concerning himself.  In some odd way, he trusts my judgement and experiences.  However, the last time I spoke to him, I made it very clear I was not putting up with his drama any longer.  It seemed things were over.

So when I answered the phone, after getting over my initial shock of who was on the other end, I knew something serious was up with him.  His voice was shaking and he was very frightened.  He has been having some health issues and feels very scared.  Now this is where it gets interesting.  This is the man who asked me for a divorce when I was in St. Paul's Hospital having 2 major surgeries.  The first surgery failed, I was in and out of ICU, and I was in the hospital waiting for a second attempt at the surgery.  THAT'S when he decided he would drop the divorce bomb on me.  His reason for wanting a divorce?  I was too sick and he was afraid I was going to die.  Gee, thanks.

Funny enough, now he is having the exact same health concerns I was having all those years back.  Karma? I feel kinda happy but guilty that I feel happy.  All those years after the divorce I internalized that pain, thinking that I would never love someone again, or be truly loved and accepted by a man.

So after a brief chat about the health stuff, and me reminding him it's karma for leaving me in hospital, he brings up his current wife.  I bring up my current boyfriend and how wonderful he is, and how no one has ever treated me so well. I also have the guts to say 'you treated me like shit all those years, and I wasted my time on you'.  My voice didn't quiver, I didn't cry, and I certainly did not regret it.  I feel good saying it.  I feel lighter, I feel free and I feel he is now in my past for good.

I do believe things happen for a reason.  I have been struggling in my current relationship based on stuff that happened with my ex husband, and although I know it's not fair to my new partner, it comes up. I am lucky to have someone in my life now who is patient, loving, understanding, accepting, gentle, and who adores me.   As flaky as this sounds, I believe my guides helped me through the block of my ex husband tonight, and followed through on my request for assistance.  Of course it all came from within me, but having the back up of a power such as a guide makes human life so much easier to deal with.  The universe is powerful and this is a good reminder to me to make time to reconnect more often.

On your 5th birthday...

Miss Sedona is turning 5 on april 10.  In order to honour her birthday on my blog, I've decided to do something a bit different.  I'm going to list as many tidbits of info about Ivy.  So here goes,

1. Sedona loves to swim.  I think she is part fish.
2. Sedona is very compassionate.
3. Sedona is also very loving.
4. Sedona loves gymnastics.  She is in gymnstart which will eventually lead her into competitive gymnastics. She trains 2 hours per week.
5. Sedona is a very good big sister to Dove. She is protective and nurturing (with a bit of big sister attitude thrown in for good measure).
6. S ADORES her Auntie Christine who just turned 10 yrs old. She tries to do everything like Christine.
7. S also adores aunties Jasmine, Jolene, Desiree & Trina.  She, at times, loves her uncle Bryson as well.
8. S adores her cousin Anthina who is 1 yr old.  She has always been very good with Anthina.
9. Grandma & Grandpa are a huge part of her life and she loves being at their house more than our own house.
10. S LOVES to eat pizza.  It is not hard for her to eat 5 pieces in a sitting, often outdoing the adults around her.
11. Sedona LOVES CHOCOLATE.  ANY KIND.  ANY TIME. AS MUCH AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE.
12. S loves to dance.  We have just discovered the dancing games for the WII and she is amazing at following the moves.
13. S loves music, singing, and picks up the songs she hears in the car often with only listening to them once or twice.  She has two favorites right now: "i love you like a love song' by Selena Gomez & 'Forget You' by Cee-Lo Green.
14. Sedona is a diva in training. enough said.
15. Sedona prefers to wear dresses or skirts. It's very difficult to get her into pants.
16. To wear high heels at all times would be Sedona's preference.
17. Sedona's current favorite tv show is Curious George.  She often shows me (so far only me) how Curious George walks like a monkey.
18.  The best place in town, in S's opinion, is McDonalds.
19.  Sedona loves nature.  She is grounded and calmed by nature & does her best when she is able to be outside all day long.
20. Sedona is an amazing artist. She has a talent for drawing and a great imagination.

Loss of self

Lately I have been forced to acknowledge some of my own personal deficits and it's not easy.  I cannot get into many details because I have an ongoing legal case which is not settled, however, I will say that these problems have originated from being hit by a car as a pediastrian in 2006, and then re-injured when rear ended six months later.

I have problems with memory (both short & long term), concentration, fatigue, chronic pain and some language/speech problems.  I have been told I won't be able to return to work as a child protection worker ever.  I've known this for a few years now, but it hit home last week when I was sent for a vocational assessment to see what sort of career I can do, if any.

At the end of the day, I was beyond exhausted. I couldn't imagine working a full day, much less a job where you actually had to use your mental/emotional faculties.  At this point I actually REALIZED that I will not be able to return to the career I had previously; the career I worked so hard to obtain.  I'm not sure if or when I will ever work again.

I worked very hard to become a child protection social worker.  My undergrad degree took 7 years to complete because I worked full time, was very chronically ill with ulcerative colitis and had some major setbacks.  However, I always have prided myself that I made it through that period and secured a good job and a job that I was really looking forward to advancing in.  My goal was to become a team leader for the ministry of children and family development, then possibly move over to an Aboriginal agency.  I had supportive team leaders that were willing to help me obtain my goal.  Although the job was stressful, I had no intention of leaving.

I've been off work pretty much since my first accident.  There were many attempts to get me back to work, but none of them ever panned out.  For many years, I felt worthless and this contributed to major depression.  It's not easy to be at home, not working, living off of 'long term disability benefits'.  Yet, I had came to accept that to some extent. I was beginning to wonder if maybe I could try another area of social work and or possibly get higher education.

The vocational assessment hit me hard because it made me realize how difficult it will be for me to get back to work or even re training.  I do not know the results of the assessment, however, somehow I know it's going to be depressing.

I am now a different person than I was prior to the accident, it's hard to admit.  I have lost that person I used to be, and have no idea how long it will take to get back to that level I was at previously.  I may not ever, and that scares me a lot.