She goes from wanting to build a fort to a full blown rage within a minute. All kids have tantrums, but not like this; this is like the incredible hulk.
All I can do is zone out and not get emotionally involved. I pray for her to be kept safe, and think quickly as to where the laptop is, where the ipad is, and if there's anything within her reach that is breakable. Dove looks at me and returns to her book quietly.
45 minutes later I start to go upstairs to go to the washroom. At this point Sedona has calmed and is now just tired. I glance in the kitchen to see a bowl of cheerios thrown on the ground, milk and all. During one brief calm period of her rage, I offered the cheerios as a distraction and in hopes that maybe she's just out of it due to hunger. Obviously that didn't work.
Up the stairs, over the shoes she has thrown everywhere. In her bedroom, her mattress is off her bed and standing up against her dresser. She has thrown the little toys left in her room all over. I haven't checked the other rooms.
How do you discipline that? She comes to me crying telling me "i feel so bad, i am sorry mom". I believe it. I believe it was 100% uncontrollable for her. Her eyes glaze over, she begins to hit her head with her fists, she screams, yells, swears. It is like a seizure; you look in her eyes and you can't see 'her'. Sedona is long gone and this monster has taken over. When I have a seizure, I can see/hear my surroundings but cannot control my body. In a way this must be what Sedona experiences. Her 'animal brain" aka limbic system takes over and she's out of control.
My little girl is never 'happy'. She is is sad,scared, tired, mad, or GIDDY. There is never a time when she is just a happy little girl. I think I provide a good life for her, one that a lot of little girls never get to experience. Her home life is safe, stable, kid centered, and is full of people who love her. I don't remember ever feeling so bad so often as a little girl. I remember being happy, content, a few periods when I might have been upset or mad, but that's it. I lived a pretty stable life as well, that's how I know how to provide a stable life for my girls.
The child psychiatrist, who apparently has 11 years experience, told me "there is no pill to parent". ARE YOU SERIOUS? Does he really think I want to have my child on ANY medication if she did not need it? I've been on medication for my epilepsy for 30 years, it's caused long term side effects. I needed it though. Does this man seriously think I haven't tried everything in my power to try to avoid going to see him? Are these rages normal? No they are not. Do I want a child who has emotional outbursts? No thanks. I'd prefer an easygoing child, thank you very much!
My daughter has a serious mental health illness amongst other special needs. So many parents are struggling to navigate this system of professionals trying to get help, and instead of accepting that the child has problems, they blame the parent. Kids can have mental illness, they need early interventions to succeed in life. They don't need professionals to deny the parent the fact that the child has issues, so the cycle of low self esteem continues, so that when they are 15 years old, they are suicidal. Stop blaming kids' behaviours on bad parenting, and look at the reality of what is physically going on for the child. Especially if you are a doctor!
Friday, June 22, 2012
On baby bear turning 4 years old
My baby just turned four years old. Just like I did for her older sister, I am going to list some little known facts about her.
1. She still sleeps in a crib. I won't let her out quite yet as I am afraid of her wandering at night.
2. Dove is terrfied of cats.
3. Dove LOVES horses.
4. Dove is afraid of bears because one time we saw two bears in the field behind grandmas house.
5. Dove is terrified of real bees, but has a bumblebee pillow she refuses to sleep without and she will not let it get washed. It's quite stinky.
6. Dove loves to pretend to be a waitress. She loves when I buy her a waitress pad from the dollar store so she can 'take orders' from everyone in the family.
7. Dove's number one person - "big man" aka grandpa. I don't know where she came up with the name big man for grandpa, but she sure adores him.
8. Dove sleeps with at least 5 blankets on top of her at night. And a stinky stuffed bumblebee
9. Doves faveourite food at dinner is salad. She also really likes green peppers.
10. Dove is an 'old people' kid. She prefers to hang around old people.
11. Dove loves electronics - i pads, phones, computers etc.
12. Dove LOVES looking out the windows when we are in the car - she is by far the best behaved child I have ever seen in a car.
13. Dove loves motorcycles.
14. Dove adores her big sister and does everything like her.
15. Dove won't usually sing in public, but sings herself to sleep every night.
16. Dove loves national geographic magazines (anyone have any to give me).
Happy 4th Birthday baby bear. Mommy loves you so much!
1. She still sleeps in a crib. I won't let her out quite yet as I am afraid of her wandering at night.
2. Dove is terrfied of cats.
3. Dove LOVES horses.
4. Dove is afraid of bears because one time we saw two bears in the field behind grandmas house.
5. Dove is terrified of real bees, but has a bumblebee pillow she refuses to sleep without and she will not let it get washed. It's quite stinky.
6. Dove loves to pretend to be a waitress. She loves when I buy her a waitress pad from the dollar store so she can 'take orders' from everyone in the family.
7. Dove's number one person - "big man" aka grandpa. I don't know where she came up with the name big man for grandpa, but she sure adores him.
8. Dove sleeps with at least 5 blankets on top of her at night. And a stinky stuffed bumblebee
9. Doves faveourite food at dinner is salad. She also really likes green peppers.
10. Dove is an 'old people' kid. She prefers to hang around old people.
11. Dove loves electronics - i pads, phones, computers etc.
12. Dove LOVES looking out the windows when we are in the car - she is by far the best behaved child I have ever seen in a car.
13. Dove loves motorcycles.
14. Dove adores her big sister and does everything like her.
15. Dove won't usually sing in public, but sings herself to sleep every night.
16. Dove loves national geographic magazines (anyone have any to give me).
Happy 4th Birthday baby bear. Mommy loves you so much!
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Nature vs Nurture?
I had been so nervous, yet excited to meet my second daughter. I had known that her birthmom was pregnant for a long time and had been asked to parent her as I was already parenting her birth sister Sedona and her birth mother could not. I was not sure I could do it, but I made the commitment to Dove that I would at least try, and I made that commitment before she was even born.
I wondering what she looked like, and if she looked like Sedona. I was entering the same hospital, same nursery that I had spent so many hours in 16 months prior with Sedona. It was under much different circumstances however, because due to a lot of 'red tape', Dove was four weeks old when Sedona & I first got to meet her.
I sat in a chair directly across from a 'foster mom', who was not DOVE'S foster mom, but the birth mother's old foster mom. She was an old witch, and it made me furious and uncomfortable at the same time. It took a lot for me not to kick that old bat in the ass to be honest. There was a bit of a history there though, one not intended for this post.
The nurse finally brought Dove in. I was allowed to hold her finally (there were several rules about the visit) and all I can remember is seeing her HUGE cheeks. That's all you could see. Just cheeks. Not the usual native baby pancake face cheeks. They were monster cheeks. And she didn't look a damn thing like Sedona.
Dove had very little hair, again, unlike Sedona. She was also chubby and I remember being surprised because I expected a 'newborn' but in reality she was already 4 weeks old and big enough to wear 0-3 month old clothes already instead of 'newborn'.
The anticipation I had for Dove was unbelievable. I had to wait much longer than I did with Sedona, praying that her birth mother would 'take it easy' for Dove's sake. It was agonizing, and period from when Dove was actually born until the time I got to meet her was even worse. Every day for months I looked at the newborn neutral coloured outfit I bought for her, feeling so much fear for what was going on for this little baby. With Sedona, I only knew about her 3 weeks prior to her birth, and I met her at 2 hours old. That was a bit easier I think. Also having an emotional tie to the birth mother, and not being able to do ANYTHING to help her was difficult. If you know anything about our family, you know that we are very loyal to each other, although a few of us have problems accepting that love and commitment.
Back to dear Dove.
The nurse puts her in my arms while saying "she is such a good baby, one of the best babies we have".
It was all such a wonderful moment.
Then Dove figured out she was in my arms, and within about five seconds started screaming. Not whimpering, not a little cry. She just looked up at me from beyond the big cheeks, and started screaming.
Remember, I've got the old witch of a foster mom staring right at me. And the nurse who just said she was so wonderful.
I try doing all the usual stuff - changing positions, patting her back, patting her bum, rocking a bit, talking to her, hushing her. Nothing works. I had to give her back to the nurse, because way back then, I refused to let any baby cry for longer than about 45 seconds I think. I didn't want to hurt their attachment.
As soon as little Dove got back to the nurse, she was quiet. I felt like crap. And the visit was pretty much over after a few pictures.
...........
Four years later:
Putting Sedona and Dove to bed and they are both melting down from exhaustion. Dove starts to have a temper tantrum which is actually unusual for her. Sedona, being my 'explosive child' is beginning to really meltdown, so I decide to deal with her first, as I can only soothe one at a time.
Then Sedona says: "mom why do you love me more than Dove?"
I ask her to repeat, and she says it again. I almost break into tears.
I didn't expect to have this conversation so early on, but ok, I guess life isn't planned.
I explain to Sedona that I love both my girls the same amount. I explain what love looks like, for example, my girls eating good food and having nice clothes is one way I show I love them (apart from the usual hugs, kisses etc). Sedona claims to understand this.
Then I explain that everyone is different and both my girls are different. My Sedona needs more hugs than Dove. My Sedona cries a little more than my Dove.
All this time, I am trying to keep my own issues at bay. I know that it appears I love Sedona more than Dove, but I don't. Flashbacks of our first meeting came flooding back because I always felt like she 'hated' me from the moment she met me. I used to worry that Dove and I had a disorganized attachment, meaning, we really didn't bond that well when she was an infant. To be honest, having two babies 16 months apart as a single mom was very difficult. I don't know how we all survived to be brutally honest.
However, I love Dove with all my heart. I can identify with Dove more than I can identify with Sedona sometimes. Dove is the 'easier' child to parent. She has her issues, but it's nothing compared to Sedona.
Dove has always been one to not need a lot of cuddling, or hugs and that is how she is the extreme opposite of Sedona. Dove is content to walk around the house writing on her 'waitress pad', taking pretend restaurant orders from everyone, meanwhile, Sedona needs to climb all over me and twist my hair for comfort. This used to worry me to no end; I used to feel a lot of guilt because it actually looked to me, and everyone else that I did show more signs of affection to Sedona than I do to Dove.
Dove needs me to show her love in a different way, and this is what has inspired me to write such a long post. As a mother to two little girls who are not biologically related to me in any way, this is a unique struggle. I can't say my girls are like me, or like their father, and I don't have the natural instinct that is there with most moms/babies. As an adoptive parent, you have to figure out not only what parenting style works best for your child, but what AFFECTION style works best too.
Dove needs me to put her to bed in the same way every night so that she feels loved. She needs me to take note of her special interests, such as wildlife documentaries, horses, keys, little items, and buy her them so she knows I'm taking an interest in her. For Dove to feel loved, she needs me only give her a 5 second hug instead of a 10 second hug, and allow her to do most of the initiating of the physical contact.
Four years later, I finally understand what was going on the very first time I met Dove. She just needed to be loved differently than my first, and I feel confident I did that without even being conscious of it. Instincts?
I wondering what she looked like, and if she looked like Sedona. I was entering the same hospital, same nursery that I had spent so many hours in 16 months prior with Sedona. It was under much different circumstances however, because due to a lot of 'red tape', Dove was four weeks old when Sedona & I first got to meet her.
I sat in a chair directly across from a 'foster mom', who was not DOVE'S foster mom, but the birth mother's old foster mom. She was an old witch, and it made me furious and uncomfortable at the same time. It took a lot for me not to kick that old bat in the ass to be honest. There was a bit of a history there though, one not intended for this post.
The nurse finally brought Dove in. I was allowed to hold her finally (there were several rules about the visit) and all I can remember is seeing her HUGE cheeks. That's all you could see. Just cheeks. Not the usual native baby pancake face cheeks. They were monster cheeks. And she didn't look a damn thing like Sedona.
Dove had very little hair, again, unlike Sedona. She was also chubby and I remember being surprised because I expected a 'newborn' but in reality she was already 4 weeks old and big enough to wear 0-3 month old clothes already instead of 'newborn'.
The anticipation I had for Dove was unbelievable. I had to wait much longer than I did with Sedona, praying that her birth mother would 'take it easy' for Dove's sake. It was agonizing, and period from when Dove was actually born until the time I got to meet her was even worse. Every day for months I looked at the newborn neutral coloured outfit I bought for her, feeling so much fear for what was going on for this little baby. With Sedona, I only knew about her 3 weeks prior to her birth, and I met her at 2 hours old. That was a bit easier I think. Also having an emotional tie to the birth mother, and not being able to do ANYTHING to help her was difficult. If you know anything about our family, you know that we are very loyal to each other, although a few of us have problems accepting that love and commitment.
Back to dear Dove.
The nurse puts her in my arms while saying "she is such a good baby, one of the best babies we have".
It was all such a wonderful moment.
Then Dove figured out she was in my arms, and within about five seconds started screaming. Not whimpering, not a little cry. She just looked up at me from beyond the big cheeks, and started screaming.
Remember, I've got the old witch of a foster mom staring right at me. And the nurse who just said she was so wonderful.
I try doing all the usual stuff - changing positions, patting her back, patting her bum, rocking a bit, talking to her, hushing her. Nothing works. I had to give her back to the nurse, because way back then, I refused to let any baby cry for longer than about 45 seconds I think. I didn't want to hurt their attachment.
As soon as little Dove got back to the nurse, she was quiet. I felt like crap. And the visit was pretty much over after a few pictures.
...........
Four years later:
Putting Sedona and Dove to bed and they are both melting down from exhaustion. Dove starts to have a temper tantrum which is actually unusual for her. Sedona, being my 'explosive child' is beginning to really meltdown, so I decide to deal with her first, as I can only soothe one at a time.
Then Sedona says: "mom why do you love me more than Dove?"
I ask her to repeat, and she says it again. I almost break into tears.
I didn't expect to have this conversation so early on, but ok, I guess life isn't planned.
I explain to Sedona that I love both my girls the same amount. I explain what love looks like, for example, my girls eating good food and having nice clothes is one way I show I love them (apart from the usual hugs, kisses etc). Sedona claims to understand this.
Then I explain that everyone is different and both my girls are different. My Sedona needs more hugs than Dove. My Sedona cries a little more than my Dove.
All this time, I am trying to keep my own issues at bay. I know that it appears I love Sedona more than Dove, but I don't. Flashbacks of our first meeting came flooding back because I always felt like she 'hated' me from the moment she met me. I used to worry that Dove and I had a disorganized attachment, meaning, we really didn't bond that well when she was an infant. To be honest, having two babies 16 months apart as a single mom was very difficult. I don't know how we all survived to be brutally honest.
However, I love Dove with all my heart. I can identify with Dove more than I can identify with Sedona sometimes. Dove is the 'easier' child to parent. She has her issues, but it's nothing compared to Sedona.
Dove has always been one to not need a lot of cuddling, or hugs and that is how she is the extreme opposite of Sedona. Dove is content to walk around the house writing on her 'waitress pad', taking pretend restaurant orders from everyone, meanwhile, Sedona needs to climb all over me and twist my hair for comfort. This used to worry me to no end; I used to feel a lot of guilt because it actually looked to me, and everyone else that I did show more signs of affection to Sedona than I do to Dove.
Dove needs me to show her love in a different way, and this is what has inspired me to write such a long post. As a mother to two little girls who are not biologically related to me in any way, this is a unique struggle. I can't say my girls are like me, or like their father, and I don't have the natural instinct that is there with most moms/babies. As an adoptive parent, you have to figure out not only what parenting style works best for your child, but what AFFECTION style works best too.
Dove needs me to put her to bed in the same way every night so that she feels loved. She needs me to take note of her special interests, such as wildlife documentaries, horses, keys, little items, and buy her them so she knows I'm taking an interest in her. For Dove to feel loved, she needs me only give her a 5 second hug instead of a 10 second hug, and allow her to do most of the initiating of the physical contact.
Four years later, I finally understand what was going on the very first time I met Dove. She just needed to be loved differently than my first, and I feel confident I did that without even being conscious of it. Instincts?
Friday, June 1, 2012
Mean moms
I have been fortunate enough to be able to afford to put my daughters in many extracurricular activities since they were both infants. Not many single moms can do this, nor a single mom to two. They have done infant music, swimming lessons, ballet, yoga, and of course gymnastics.
Today, while watching Sedona in her 'competitive' gymnastics class (they are the youngest girls in the competitive stream of gymnastics, averaging in age at about 5 years old) I had to deal with 'sport moms'. Wow. Let's give a history of my experience with the gymnastics mom's associated with Sedona's class.
Firstly, Sedona attends gymnastics for 2 hrs once per week. That means it's not enough time to leave and go do something, so we moms have to sit and watch. There is a nice viewing area that is outside the gym so as not to distract the gymnasts too much.
So, the group of us always go up and sit in a loosely formed group. We've done this since September and there is about five of us. It's been mainly nice 'hellos' and 'oh your kid looks so cute', then politely going back to the iphone distraction we all have. In the past two months or so this dynamic has slowly changed.
Three of the moms have become 'friends'. I found out today their kids all attend the same school, same dance school, and do soccer. They have been having a few playdates etc. I'm not like these moms. I don't have a fancy house on the hill, I don't have a husband who works really hard so I can stay home, I don't have the energy to pack my kids a snack everywhere we go (much less a gluten/dye/meat free one). I'm not skinny, blonde or have a blonde kid either. And I don't care to.
However, one of these moms is genuinely quite nice and I like her quite a bit. We talk as long as we can without the louder moms interrupting and going off one of their mom 'must talk' topics (usually running, lululemon etc). She forces the other moms to include me, kinda like highschool.
I try to be social, but this type of social is not my style. I hate to say this, but I am an educated woman, and these woman tend to make my feminist fur stand on end. I can't stand how dependent they are on their husbands, or how unhappy they are in their marriages and think the only thing they can do is be a mom. They are like the mean girls of high school all over again, but reality has hit them hard in the ass and they don't quite get it yet. It's not so nice to have the 'perfect' life sometimes, is it?
Anyways, they know very little about me, as I am a person that takes awhile to get to know. Today, while watching our girls, one mom says to me "how come your little girl can't seem to do her flip on the vault - is she just fooling around?". I was shocked to hear this. It didn't seem like I knew this woman long enough for her to say ANYTHING but nice things about my daughter.
Maybe I'm a bit defensive, but it certainly didn't sit right with me. I've never said anything but good things about ALL of their kids (even when I didn't feel like it). The 'nice' mom got instantly uncomfortable. Time slowed down for me as I debated how to respond. Do I ignore it? Do I get pissed and tell her off? Do I educate her on how ignorant her words are? Or do I just find a way to put her foot in her mouth?
Needless to say, I chose the last option.
In a calm, friendly voice I reply : "I adopted Sedona. She has some learning disabilities which sometimes makes it hard for her to learn things. It could be that she doesn't understand how to do the flip, or it could be like any other child and she is just afraid. I don't think Sedona is fooling around, she is trying really hard to do it".
Silence.
And I turn to wave to Sedona.
She smiles, tries to say something to me even though there is a glass window between us, and runs to get in line to do the vault again. I must also note that she was 1 out of 5 girls NOT fooling around - she really wanted to learn the vault.
Then the mom says: "Oh, so how long have you had her?"
I reply "Since she was 2 hours old".
Then she asks "where is she from?". This confused me a bit at the time, but now I realize she thought Sedona must be an internationally adopted child, probably from Haiti or Africa or something. I reply simply "Vancouver". End of conversation. I should have said the full reality - "the downtown eastside of Vancouver".
Being asked this question today resonated with me today. I guess I've always struggled with when to (and if I need to) tell people my girls are adopted. I mean, we go uptown and get stared at, and I get a bit defensive. I always assume people are thinking "look at that mother, she obviously had two kids by two different men in a very short period of time". So today, I decided to pony up, and admit my girls were adopted, and not in the same position as the other kids. My girls come from disadvantage. Their children come from advantage.
So what? I've done a lot to try to change the outcome for these girls, and in many ways, it's good that no one could tell my daughters were adopted. It means I've done a damn good job of caring and bonding with them. I used to think this was all that was needed, to help break the cycle that these girls come from. Lately I'm not so sure.
I'm not sure my girls will grow up and graduate high school, no matter what I do. I think it's more likely they won't.
I'm not sure my girls won't be teenage moms. I think it's likely they will.
I'm not sure my girls will not fall into addiction. Again, I think its likely they will.
Most parents put their kids into extracurricular activities because they want to raise these 'well rounded' kids. For me, I just want a kid that is going to be able to live life as 'normally' as possible. I am just hoping my daughters will find something that will boost their self esteem enough to help them get through life in this cold, self centered society. And for that reason alone, I put up with the mean moms.
Today, while watching Sedona in her 'competitive' gymnastics class (they are the youngest girls in the competitive stream of gymnastics, averaging in age at about 5 years old) I had to deal with 'sport moms'. Wow. Let's give a history of my experience with the gymnastics mom's associated with Sedona's class.
Firstly, Sedona attends gymnastics for 2 hrs once per week. That means it's not enough time to leave and go do something, so we moms have to sit and watch. There is a nice viewing area that is outside the gym so as not to distract the gymnasts too much.
So, the group of us always go up and sit in a loosely formed group. We've done this since September and there is about five of us. It's been mainly nice 'hellos' and 'oh your kid looks so cute', then politely going back to the iphone distraction we all have. In the past two months or so this dynamic has slowly changed.
Three of the moms have become 'friends'. I found out today their kids all attend the same school, same dance school, and do soccer. They have been having a few playdates etc. I'm not like these moms. I don't have a fancy house on the hill, I don't have a husband who works really hard so I can stay home, I don't have the energy to pack my kids a snack everywhere we go (much less a gluten/dye/meat free one). I'm not skinny, blonde or have a blonde kid either. And I don't care to.
However, one of these moms is genuinely quite nice and I like her quite a bit. We talk as long as we can without the louder moms interrupting and going off one of their mom 'must talk' topics (usually running, lululemon etc). She forces the other moms to include me, kinda like highschool.
I try to be social, but this type of social is not my style. I hate to say this, but I am an educated woman, and these woman tend to make my feminist fur stand on end. I can't stand how dependent they are on their husbands, or how unhappy they are in their marriages and think the only thing they can do is be a mom. They are like the mean girls of high school all over again, but reality has hit them hard in the ass and they don't quite get it yet. It's not so nice to have the 'perfect' life sometimes, is it?
Anyways, they know very little about me, as I am a person that takes awhile to get to know. Today, while watching our girls, one mom says to me "how come your little girl can't seem to do her flip on the vault - is she just fooling around?". I was shocked to hear this. It didn't seem like I knew this woman long enough for her to say ANYTHING but nice things about my daughter.
Maybe I'm a bit defensive, but it certainly didn't sit right with me. I've never said anything but good things about ALL of their kids (even when I didn't feel like it). The 'nice' mom got instantly uncomfortable. Time slowed down for me as I debated how to respond. Do I ignore it? Do I get pissed and tell her off? Do I educate her on how ignorant her words are? Or do I just find a way to put her foot in her mouth?
Needless to say, I chose the last option.
In a calm, friendly voice I reply : "I adopted Sedona. She has some learning disabilities which sometimes makes it hard for her to learn things. It could be that she doesn't understand how to do the flip, or it could be like any other child and she is just afraid. I don't think Sedona is fooling around, she is trying really hard to do it".
Silence.
And I turn to wave to Sedona.
She smiles, tries to say something to me even though there is a glass window between us, and runs to get in line to do the vault again. I must also note that she was 1 out of 5 girls NOT fooling around - she really wanted to learn the vault.
Then the mom says: "Oh, so how long have you had her?"
I reply "Since she was 2 hours old".
Then she asks "where is she from?". This confused me a bit at the time, but now I realize she thought Sedona must be an internationally adopted child, probably from Haiti or Africa or something. I reply simply "Vancouver". End of conversation. I should have said the full reality - "the downtown eastside of Vancouver".
Being asked this question today resonated with me today. I guess I've always struggled with when to (and if I need to) tell people my girls are adopted. I mean, we go uptown and get stared at, and I get a bit defensive. I always assume people are thinking "look at that mother, she obviously had two kids by two different men in a very short period of time". So today, I decided to pony up, and admit my girls were adopted, and not in the same position as the other kids. My girls come from disadvantage. Their children come from advantage.
So what? I've done a lot to try to change the outcome for these girls, and in many ways, it's good that no one could tell my daughters were adopted. It means I've done a damn good job of caring and bonding with them. I used to think this was all that was needed, to help break the cycle that these girls come from. Lately I'm not so sure.
I'm not sure my girls will grow up and graduate high school, no matter what I do. I think it's more likely they won't.
I'm not sure my girls won't be teenage moms. I think it's likely they will.
I'm not sure my girls will not fall into addiction. Again, I think its likely they will.
Most parents put their kids into extracurricular activities because they want to raise these 'well rounded' kids. For me, I just want a kid that is going to be able to live life as 'normally' as possible. I am just hoping my daughters will find something that will boost their self esteem enough to help them get through life in this cold, self centered society. And for that reason alone, I put up with the mean moms.
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