I had been so nervous, yet excited to meet my second daughter. I had known that her birthmom was pregnant for a long time and had been asked to parent her as I was already parenting her birth sister Sedona and her birth mother could not. I was not sure I could do it, but I made the commitment to Dove that I would at least try, and I made that commitment before she was even born.
I wondering what she looked like, and if she looked like Sedona. I was entering the same hospital, same nursery that I had spent so many hours in 16 months prior with Sedona. It was under much different circumstances however, because due to a lot of 'red tape', Dove was four weeks old when Sedona & I first got to meet her.
I sat in a chair directly across from a 'foster mom', who was not DOVE'S foster mom, but the birth mother's old foster mom. She was an old witch, and it made me furious and uncomfortable at the same time. It took a lot for me not to kick that old bat in the ass to be honest. There was a bit of a history there though, one not intended for this post.
The nurse finally brought Dove in. I was allowed to hold her finally (there were several rules about the visit) and all I can remember is seeing her HUGE cheeks. That's all you could see. Just cheeks. Not the usual native baby pancake face cheeks. They were monster cheeks. And she didn't look a damn thing like Sedona.
Dove had very little hair, again, unlike Sedona. She was also chubby and I remember being surprised because I expected a 'newborn' but in reality she was already 4 weeks old and big enough to wear 0-3 month old clothes already instead of 'newborn'.
The anticipation I had for Dove was unbelievable. I had to wait much longer than I did with Sedona, praying that her birth mother would 'take it easy' for Dove's sake. It was agonizing, and period from when Dove was actually born until the time I got to meet her was even worse. Every day for months I looked at the newborn neutral coloured outfit I bought for her, feeling so much fear for what was going on for this little baby. With Sedona, I only knew about her 3 weeks prior to her birth, and I met her at 2 hours old. That was a bit easier I think. Also having an emotional tie to the birth mother, and not being able to do ANYTHING to help her was difficult. If you know anything about our family, you know that we are very loyal to each other, although a few of us have problems accepting that love and commitment.
Back to dear Dove.
The nurse puts her in my arms while saying "she is such a good baby, one of the best babies we have".
It was all such a wonderful moment.
Then Dove figured out she was in my arms, and within about five seconds started screaming. Not whimpering, not a little cry. She just looked up at me from beyond the big cheeks, and started screaming.
Remember, I've got the old witch of a foster mom staring right at me. And the nurse who just said she was so wonderful.
I try doing all the usual stuff - changing positions, patting her back, patting her bum, rocking a bit, talking to her, hushing her. Nothing works. I had to give her back to the nurse, because way back then, I refused to let any baby cry for longer than about 45 seconds I think. I didn't want to hurt their attachment.
As soon as little Dove got back to the nurse, she was quiet. I felt like crap. And the visit was pretty much over after a few pictures.
...........
Four years later:
Putting Sedona and Dove to bed and they are both melting down from exhaustion. Dove starts to have a temper tantrum which is actually unusual for her. Sedona, being my 'explosive child' is beginning to really meltdown, so I decide to deal with her first, as I can only soothe one at a time.
Then Sedona says: "mom why do you love me more than Dove?"
I ask her to repeat, and she says it again. I almost break into tears.
I didn't expect to have this conversation so early on, but ok, I guess life isn't planned.
I explain to Sedona that I love both my girls the same amount. I explain what love looks like, for example, my girls eating good food and having nice clothes is one way I show I love them (apart from the usual hugs, kisses etc). Sedona claims to understand this.
Then I explain that everyone is different and both my girls are different. My Sedona needs more hugs than Dove. My Sedona cries a little more than my Dove.
All this time, I am trying to keep my own issues at bay. I know that it appears I love Sedona more than Dove, but I don't. Flashbacks of our first meeting came flooding back because I always felt like she 'hated' me from the moment she met me. I used to worry that Dove and I had a disorganized attachment, meaning, we really didn't bond that well when she was an infant. To be honest, having two babies 16 months apart as a single mom was very difficult. I don't know how we all survived to be brutally honest.
However, I love Dove with all my heart. I can identify with Dove more than I can identify with Sedona sometimes. Dove is the 'easier' child to parent. She has her issues, but it's nothing compared to Sedona.
Dove has always been one to not need a lot of cuddling, or hugs and that is how she is the extreme opposite of Sedona. Dove is content to walk around the house writing on her 'waitress pad', taking pretend restaurant orders from everyone, meanwhile, Sedona needs to climb all over me and twist my hair for comfort. This used to worry me to no end; I used to feel a lot of guilt because it actually looked to me, and everyone else that I did show more signs of affection to Sedona than I do to Dove.
Dove needs me to show her love in a different way, and this is what has inspired me to write such a long post. As a mother to two little girls who are not biologically related to me in any way, this is a unique struggle. I can't say my girls are like me, or like their father, and I don't have the natural instinct that is there with most moms/babies. As an adoptive parent, you have to figure out not only what parenting style works best for your child, but what AFFECTION style works best too.
Dove needs me to put her to bed in the same way every night so that she feels loved. She needs me to take note of her special interests, such as wildlife documentaries, horses, keys, little items, and buy her them so she knows I'm taking an interest in her. For Dove to feel loved, she needs me only give her a 5 second hug instead of a 10 second hug, and allow her to do most of the initiating of the physical contact.
Four years later, I finally understand what was going on the very first time I met Dove. She just needed to be loved differently than my first, and I feel confident I did that without even being conscious of it. Instincts?
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