Mean moms

I have been fortunate enough to be able to afford to put my daughters in many extracurricular activities since they were both infants.  Not many single moms can do this, nor a single mom to two.  They have done infant music, swimming lessons, ballet, yoga, and of course gymnastics.

Today, while watching Sedona in her 'competitive' gymnastics class (they are the youngest girls in the competitive stream of gymnastics, averaging in age at about 5 years old) I had to deal with 'sport moms'.  Wow. Let's give a history of my experience with the gymnastics mom's associated with Sedona's class.

Firstly, Sedona attends gymnastics for 2 hrs once per week.  That means it's not enough time to leave and go do something, so we moms have to sit and watch.  There is a nice viewing area that is outside the gym so as not to distract the gymnasts too much.

So, the group of us always go up and sit in a loosely formed group.  We've done this since September and there is about five of us.  It's been mainly nice 'hellos' and 'oh your kid looks so cute', then politely going back to the iphone distraction we all have.  In the past two months or so this dynamic has slowly changed.

Three of the moms have become 'friends'.  I found out today their kids all attend the same school, same dance school, and do soccer.  They have been having a few playdates etc.   I'm not like these moms.  I don't have a fancy house on the hill, I don't have a husband who works really hard so I can stay home, I don't have the energy to pack my kids a snack everywhere we go (much less a gluten/dye/meat free one).  I'm not skinny, blonde or have a blonde kid either.  And I don't care to.

However, one of these moms is genuinely quite nice and I like her quite a bit.  We talk as long as we can without the louder moms interrupting and going off one of their mom 'must talk' topics (usually running, lululemon etc). She forces the other moms to include me, kinda like highschool.

I try to be social, but this type of social is not my style.  I hate to say this, but I am an educated woman, and these woman tend to make my feminist fur stand on end.  I can't stand how dependent they are on their husbands, or how unhappy they are in their marriages and think the only thing they can do is be a mom.  They are like the mean girls of high school all over again, but reality has hit them hard in the ass and they don't quite get it yet.  It's not so nice to have the 'perfect' life sometimes, is it?

Anyways, they know very little about me, as I am a person that takes awhile to get to know.  Today, while watching our girls, one mom says to me "how come your little girl can't seem to do her flip on the vault - is she just fooling around?".  I was shocked to hear this.  It didn't seem like I knew this woman long enough for her to say ANYTHING but nice things about my daughter.

Maybe I'm a bit defensive, but it certainly didn't sit right with me. I've never said anything but good things about ALL of their kids (even when I didn't feel like it).  The 'nice' mom got instantly uncomfortable.  Time slowed down for me as I debated how to respond.  Do I ignore it? Do I get pissed and tell her off? Do I educate her on how ignorant her words are? Or do I just find a way to put her foot in her mouth?

Needless to say, I chose the last option.

In a calm, friendly voice I reply : "I adopted Sedona.  She has some learning disabilities which sometimes makes it hard for her to learn things.  It could be that she doesn't understand how to do the flip, or it could be like any other child and she is just afraid.  I don't think Sedona is fooling around, she is trying really hard to do it".

Silence.

And I turn to wave to Sedona.

She smiles, tries to say something to me even though there is a glass window between us, and runs to get in line to do the vault again.  I must also note that she was 1 out of 5 girls NOT fooling around - she really wanted to learn the vault.

Then the mom says: "Oh, so how long have you had her?"

I reply "Since she was 2 hours old".

Then she asks "where is she from?".  This confused me a bit at the time, but now I realize she thought Sedona must be an internationally adopted child, probably from Haiti or Africa or something.  I reply simply "Vancouver".  End of conversation. I should have said the full reality - "the downtown eastside of Vancouver".

Being asked this question today resonated with me today.  I guess I've always struggled with when to (and if I need to) tell people my girls are adopted.  I mean, we go uptown and get stared at, and I get a bit defensive. I always assume people are thinking "look at that mother, she obviously had two kids by two different men in a very short period of time". So today, I decided to pony up, and admit my girls were adopted, and not in the same position as the other kids.  My girls come from disadvantage.  Their children come from advantage.

So what?  I've done a lot to try to change the outcome for these girls, and in many ways, it's good that no one could tell my daughters were adopted.  It means I've done a damn good job of caring and bonding with them. I used to think this was all that was needed, to help break the cycle that these girls come from.  Lately I'm not so sure.

I'm not sure my girls will grow up and graduate high school, no matter what I do.  I think it's more likely they won't.

I'm not sure my girls won't be teenage moms.  I think it's likely they will.

I'm not sure my girls will not fall into addiction.  Again, I think its likely they will.  

Most parents put their kids into extracurricular activities because they want to raise these 'well rounded' kids.  For me, I just want a kid that is going to be able to live life as 'normally' as possible. I am just hoping my daughters will find something that will boost their self esteem enough to help them get through life in this cold, self centered society.  And for that reason alone, I put up with the mean moms.